I just want something more. I don't know what it is, why a part of me is empty somehow. It's a feeling that makes me want to run away and be by myself. Because the only way I can fantasize about what I wish I had is when I'm alone. And I'll walk through a mall or a restaurant or drive down a highway, and pretend I'm rich, pretend I'm married, pretend I'm someone else. Because it's so freeing to be walking around where no one knows you. No one in the Rockaway mall knows I date Billy. They don't know who he is. They don't know where I work. They don't know my family. They don't know me. And it feels so good, so unburdened.
What am I burdened by, you ask? I have no idea. Everything in my life is really good right now. There are a few things I'd change if I could, but nothing is horrible. Nothing is weighing me down, noting is making me miserable. Yet I still feel heavy, tired of fighting, tired of feeling like I'm never doing enough. Like I'm not enough.
I don't know why. I just know that I watch other people get what I want and it kills me. And I don't just mean book deals and oodles of money. I mean less tangible, more obtuse things.
Billy told me last night that my last post sounded like I was "complaining." And I tried to explain that I wasn't complaining, I was just writing. It was supposed to be funny. But we couldn't agree. And, at the end of the conversation, what irritated me wasn't that we couldn't agree on the tone of what I'd written, but that I was defending it again. MY writing. MY blog. Something that I'M proud of. Why am I constantly defending it? Why am I constantly ashamed to bring it up? Ashamed to admit I'm proud of it? Ashamed that it's even there?
I'm not writing very well anymore. I moved a really good post because I was afraid my ex would see it and get mad. I worry constantly that I'm going to offend someone. This site isn't even my own anymore. It belongs to everybody else. It belongs to the people whose opinions I value. It belongs to an ex that I'm still, apparently, afraid of. They're my words, but I don't own them.
You know when I was good? Back in the early days, when no one I knew knew that I had a blog. When I had three readers. When I was unafraid and still hiding behind a veil of pseudo-anonymity. And now, everything but my last name is out here. And I love it. I love that I've met incredible people through this blog. I love that I'm part of a little sub-culture that understands me. The hard part is the people I know in real life tuning in. Not because I want to bitch about them, but because it's hard to read something from any other point of view than how I intended it to be read. And the last thing - the last thing - I want to do is hurt anyone's feelings. And, as far as I know, I haven't. I'm just hyper-aware that it's always a possibility.
I'm not saying I'm quitting, I'm just saying it's going to take me a bit to get back in the swing of things. To remember that I started this for me, and I should continue it for me. To realize that if I want to write, I have to understand that not everyone is going to love it. I'll snap out of this soon. It'll just take me a few days.
In the meantime, thanks for sticking around.
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16 comments:
This is why I quit mine. Everyone in my life was reading it, including the Ex. My boyfriend felt exposed, and I felt stifled.
I have to tell you, I sometimes feel suffocated reading your blog. Not because your writing is lacking, just because I get frustrated at the outside forces in your life!
And on a bit of a different note, that feeling of everyone knowing you? Yeah, that's my hometown. I couldn't sneeze at Wal-Mart without coming home to a "bless you" from my father.
Now that I live out of state, I feel anonymous in the best of ways. You might want to consider a move someday. Even if it's only temporary.
Your blogging friend,
Casey
aka Alone In Tacoma
P.S. Just in case I haven't stepped on your toes yet, I have to throw in my two cents on the marriage issue. You deserve a man who wants to marry you! I swear, it's like you're asking for a kidney or something.
*Sigh* That's all I'll say about that, but they're out there. (And some of them even do their own laundry!)
For what it is worth, I loved your last post. I found it funny, I cringed for you during you description of the movie with your "boyfriend's mother," and I understood the whole possesive move. I truly enjoy your writing.
Jo
I will be here when you are ready. And to second Jo- I thought your lsat post was funny too. I cringed at the frontal nudity parts while sitting with your boyfriend's mom. I didn't see is as complaining.
It sounds like you need a change! I love your stuff and I am like 3000 miles away. Start again and give the links to the readers you feel comfortable with. Sometimes you just need a person to bitch to that could not use your words against you. If you do move send me your link! puh-lease!~ps what is wrong with complaining? Clear the air and move on!
Lately, it seems like the best posts you write are the ones that you delete. Luckily, I read your blog everyday so I get to read them :).
I would love to do some serious research on the phenomenon of blogging and I'm certain that, if there isn't already, a PHD thesis is in the works on this subject. If you want your blog to be an uncensored version of yourself then I believe that you have to do your best to make it anonymous and to not let people in your "real" life read it and therefore judge it. If you want to write from a less personal perspective then keep doing what you're doing. Basically, you have to figure out what purpose your blog serves for you and then set up a format and boundaries that protect that.
Lately, it seems like the best posts you write are the ones that you delete. Luckily, I read your blog everyday so I get to read them :).
I would love to do some serious research on the phenomenon of blogging and I'm certain that, if there isn't already, a PHD thesis is in the works on this subject. If you want your blog to be an uncensored version of yourself then I believe that you have to do your best to make it anonymous and to not let people in your "real" life read it and therefore judge it. If you want to write from a less personal perspective then keep doing what you're doing. Basically, you have to figure out what purpose your blog serves for you and then set up a format and boundaries that protect that.
L, if the blog is your outlet and you can't be yourself with it, then move it someplace where no one knows who you are. Or have a second blog (that's what I do).
If you can't be free here, why bother?
(And quit worrying about what your ex thinks!!!)
s.
I think if you switch to blogger beta you can make it so only your "friends" can read it which is nice. I know a lot of people who blog on live journal for the privacy. Having a public blog certainly makes you careful what you say. I know I hold back on what I write because I am afraid of who might read it. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
That being said, we'd miss you terribly if you stopped blogging!
It is hard, I know that. Too many people read mine now too, people who have some vested interest in my life, whose feelings I may hurt, who I feel the need to censure from some information.
And then there's the aspect of painting yourself into a corner. I feel that sometimes, on mine, only a small portion of who I am is shown. When I want to write about another part of me, I am afraid people will find me not genuine, or question who I am, my beliefs, or my actions.
We don't write to be judged, we write for release. When we can't release, the motivation dwindles. Maybe it's time to take that aspect of it back, to just write what we feel and let the cards fall where they may.
Something is weighing you down, and I'm very sorry something is.
If it makes you feel better, I love ALL your posts. You make me feel the emotions YOU feel, and that makes for awesome writing.
I started my blog because it was anonymous. As much as I would like to share, the desire to not offend is stronger. Definitely take the time; I know that it will help. (ps, if you move, take us with you!)
NO EXCUSES! Don't stop writing because of what ANYONE thinks! This is YOUR site and your place to go when you feel the need to write. I think that you are an exceptional writer and I look forward to reading your posts all the time. Maybe you should start fresh and make a site of your own...for no one but your readers to know so you can vent and not feel bad what so and so thinks. That's what these sites are for and if you can't use it for what it's for then what's the use? YOU be YOU...that's all that matters. Keep writing, this is what you love to do..don't let anyone tell you different, not even yourself!
Start a new blog...let me have the address!!! And I thought the last post was hilarious, but, I know that John does the same thing when he reads my posts--his view and my view don't always match, luckily, nothing we ever talk about never makes me censor my blog==and you shouldn't either!
I've been going through that for a while now and it might be the reason I have had so few posts. I have also been neglectied to read blogs just because I was trying to find a sense of me and I guess that's what scared me. I thought maybe I'm losing a peice of myself.
I'm sorry I'm so late to this but I just wanted to chime in. You know I understand what you're feeling - turns out apparently so does most of the blogosphere!
I'm of two minds on this - part of me thinks the "start a new blog" aspect has merit. You'd have to make sure no one links to you though and I think that's a damn shame as you have one of the purest "voices" that I've found online.
The other part of me wants to just say "screw it" and that you should post what you want, when you want it because it's about YOU. This is your place here and you should be really freaking proud of it!
Personally, I'm too vain to start a new blog. Even though some of mine is too personal, there are some of my posts which still make me laugh or cry that I know are from my heart and good writing. I wouldn't want lose those by just starting another and walking away. But, that's just me; I'm vain like that.
I understand this feeling (I'm on my third blog). You're proud of your writing, you want to share it with your friends, but then.... you find yourself censoring yourself, posting and deleting... it's a vicious cycle.
I hope the weight on your shoulder lifts...and if not, I hope you send me the new link ;-)
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