Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Worry

I worry sometimes. That I'm too much. That I'm too sane. That I'm too available. That I'm overstaying my welcome. He doesn't do anything to make me feel that way, but I still feel it; The sickly sense that my luck has finally run out. I worry that he'll fall out of love with me, rapidly and without warning. That I'll be back to singing along to songs of heartbreak before I know it. That one day he'll look at me and think "What was it that I liked about her again?" I worry that I've lost him, by getting too comfortable, by settling into a routine. And I clamor to reclaim him, without having lost my grip in the first place. It makes me feel desperate, needy, unstable.

I worry that I've become too attached, too dependent. I search for signs that he's reached saturation point with me, dig through our conversations for hints that he just can't take another minute of listening to me laugh, or complain, or just plain talk. I worry that I'm suffocating him, and I back off, trying to maintain the invisible balance between detached and present. I worry that I love him too much, that I love him more. I worry that I plan too much for the future without having the authority to do so. I worry about pushing him, expecting and assuming too much about where we stand. Even after he insisted I share his dresser drawers, I put off marrying our garments until I was absolutely sure that it wouldn't scare him.

I worry that I'm too negative sometimes. So I check my comments, hold inside gripes and fears and idiosyncrasies that I fear will make him see me in a less-than-flattering light. I worry that I'm not enough. I worry that I'm a flash in the pan, that my time with him is limited. And I search for hints that I'm a fixture. I worry that I'm dancing on the edge of scaring him. With everything: With my tampons beneath his sink, with my razor in his shower, with my underwear next to his, with my love. It makes me feel clingy, overbearing.

I worry that it's a trick, that him loving me is a farce. That the big punchline will finally be revealed when I've finally given myself over to him completely. I worry that I've already given more than I should have.

I worry that my insecurity is going to get in the way. That worrying and wondering and thinking and seeking are going to, one day, force him away. I worry that my past will never leave me, that I'll forever battle fear of desertion and doubt.

Because no matter how good he is to me; no matter how much he reassures me, how many kisses he plants on my forehead, my cheeks, my mouth; no matter how many times I hear I love you, I still worry.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

even though im approximately 6 ft below you right now, consider this a whisper in your ear.... "stop worrying."

me

portuguesa nova said...

This sounds insulting to the entire gender, but it isn't how I mean it at all. One of the most admirable things about men (most men) is their complete inability to mask discontent if they are actually feeling any of the things you've just expressed worry about...or at least their complete inability to drop subtle hints about it, or use coded, padded language.

You've got nothing to worry about, chiquita.

Lunchy McBox said...

Laurie, you've got to stop this talk. For the billionth time, things between us are FINE. Oh, oh...your boyfriend.

I'm gonna have to agree with PN on this one. Most guys aren't real good at masking things or being subtle. Well, except for me, of course. Guess that comes with the territory when you're an awesomely handsome genius, though. What I'm trying to say is that I'm sure things are just fine. Maybe you think that you don't deserve the way you are being treated, but as far as I can tell you do...and then some.

By the way, is the first person that commented dead? Ha! Ok, I'll take my lame jokes elsewhere. Have a great day.

kate said...

i think it's crazy that i worry about the same things you do when i don't even have someone in my life yet. so apparently, i'm much worse off than you and you've got nothing to worry about. lol.

Bathroom Reading said...

I know saying "don't worry," doesn't really help. But really, it's all I can say to you.

I think what guys are better at is ignoring the irrational fears and worries that inevitably come up. Women tend to feel everything. Men? We just stop thinking about it. And from what I've read, guys can only worry for, at most, 6 minutes at a time: every 7th minute, we think about sex, right?

For what it's worth: from an outsider's perspective, I can say that you're worrying about better stuff now than you were when I started reading you (back in August). Then, it was "am I going to meet someone," "I'm never gonna meet someone," etc. Now, it's, "I'm scared things are going so well with the guy I'm madly in love with."

If you're gonna be worried about something, better the latter than the former, don't you think?

Have a Happy New Year.

Kat said...

No worries.. just go with the flow.. Let things happen on their own.. Or should I say, let the GREAT things happen on their own.

Laurie said...

Thanks for all the positive reinforcement guys. :) I appreciate it.

And, no, Lunchy, the anonymous comment was not made from the grave, silly. The anonymous commentor was on the computer downstairs while I slept in the bed, one floor above him. Just so there's no confusion. :)

DesignGuy said...

So much drama... Dude! These are normal feelings in the "honeymoon" phase. Stop pressing, I know it's hard not to but you can't force somebody to love you and worse you shouldn't change your behavior to facilitate that love. Your love has just begun, let it evolve. There will be periods of doubt but time will ultimately tell. Stop looking for all the answers right now. Stop trying to have all the feelings right now. Let it grow, enjoy the ride.

One thing I've learned in my 17 year relationship (10 of those married and counting) is that love and relationships are hard work. If it's hard now it is only gonna get harder. But that's what continues to bring you both together if you truly love one another.

And being extremely attracted to each other helps too. I still dream about my wife.