Remembering to call your Ex-Fiancée to wish him a Happy UnAnniversary, but forgetting to call your friend to wish her a happy birthday makes you a nice exgirlfriend, but not the greatest friend.
Wearing your "I [Heart] Nerds" shirt out to a bar is guaranteed to keep boys from to talking to you. Because, really, doesn't that make the guy talking you're talking to a potential "Nerd?" And what guy wants to carry that stigma around?
Telling yourself "I am going to have so much fun tonight even though my friends and I are going to a dive bar full of unsavory people singing karaoke. It's going to be an unexpectedly awesome evening," and thinking it'll be manifest destiny doesn't work.
But know that you always have a good time with Nancy and Alex, so no matter how shoddy the clientele, how laughable the karaoke, you will, ultimately, enjoy yourself.
When the scary, and possibly crazy, old man with no teeth and jaundiced eyes at the end of the bar starts dancing and surveys the room for someone to dance with to "Get Low," look at your feet. Continue looking at your feet until you are ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that his desire to bust a move has passed or he has found another partner.
When a white guy who has been in prison twice and is currently on probation for assult tells you he's been rapping and making his own albums for 12 years, then proceeds to tell you that he's an "excellent" rapper, don't believe him.
But when that same man, who has been in prison twice and is currently on probation for assult, gets up to the karaoke mic and offers a very poor and unrhythmic version of Eminem's "Without Me" and "Superman," clap loudly and tell him that you loved it, because you DO NOT want him thinking you hated it.
Just because you're in a somewhat seedy joint, don't expect the drinks to be cheap. Accordingly, do not appear surprised/shocked/appalled when the bar tab for three people (2 drinks and one shot each) exceeds $60.00.
Don't forget to go to the ATM before you go out. Otherwise, you are the loser saying, "Oh shit, I forgot to get cash. Can I pay you tomorrow?" when the bill arrives, leaving your friend to foot the whole bill for your party of three.
There was a woman in the barstool next to you who has four kids and an abusive husband who slept with her sister. She was at a bar smiling, dancing, laughing and having a great time. So lighten up: your life is not nearly as dramatic as you tell yourself it is.
You are not 45. Stop acting like it.
Buying workout pants that make you feel sexy also make you feel like you want to go to the gym.
Going to the gym, in the sexy pants you bought, first thing on Saturday morning will make you feel incredible. You should do it more often.
Sitting on your screened-in porch eating breakfast, writing and listening to the birds is not wasted time. It is glorious.
When you are invited to a barbeque held by Pollo's parents-in-law, bring an empty stomach. There will be enough food there to feed a small country. And it will all be delicious and impossible to turn down. And you will need to eat, because you will be mixing homemade sangria, Corona, Smirnoff Ice and some Ecuadorian liquor and you will want to have a full belly.
Your friends think you can really hold your liquor. Let's keep it that way, shall we?
Also go with your dancing shoes on. You will be, at some point, pulled to a makeshift dance floor to shake your derrière to some Spanish music. You will love it, and you are good at it, and you will not want to sit down to take a break.
You need to take Spanish lessons. Otherwise every time you go to the home of your best friend's in-laws, you will be left to guess what everyone's laughing about, hoping that they're not saying "Look at Chimi over there, she has no idea what we're talking about! Mwah-hah-hah-hah." Because, even though you know they're not saying that sort of thing, you will catch yourself thinking that no less than ten times during the evening.
At some point during the evening, sit back and look at the people around you: Chuck, Pollo and Chuck's parents. Bask in the beauty of knowing that these people really love you, and have invited you to make their home yours. Take a minute to saturate in how wonderful that feels. Then think of how much you absolutely adore them in return.
No matter how much you think you've matured, you're still doing the same shit you did in high school. And you can't blame your poor choices on being drunk.
A perfect day is waking up without an alarm clock, drinking coffee on the porch, and spending the afternoon doing whatever you want in the house: Watching TV, cleaning, reading, writing. Sometimes, you just need to be alone. You need to make more time for that.