Friday, September 29, 2006

Dear Me

Tell yourself it’s just your impending period. Tell yourself it’s the fact that fall is here, and change of any kind makes you introspective. Tell yourself it’s because you’re tired, because you’re frustrated, because you’re preoccupied. Tell yourself whatever you want. Blame it on the person closest to you. Make yourself a martyr, make yourself the victim.

But know, without doubt, that this worry, this nagging sense of dread, is your doing.

You can only blame your actions and reactions on your past for so long. And then that becomes played and laughable. You are in charge of who you are, how you act, what you think and how much you think about it. You are the one who overanalyzes, you are the one who makes yourself sick over nothing. You are your own worst enemy.

Because, sure, your last relationship made you doubt yourself. He made you feel like you weren’t worth the love you deserve. But you’ve chosen to go ahead and carry that into this: You’re the one who decides, when your wonderful boyfriend is just a little bit quiet, a little less affectionate, that he’s lost all desire for you. You choose to believe that any love but your own is fleeting, not solid enough to withstand even one fight. You’re the one who thinks his mind is bound to change, his attention bound to stray, his patience bound to run out. You’re the one who’s afraid to talk about the future. Because you don’t want to scare him, because you weren’t allowed to before. You’re the one who decides to leave that up to him – the talk of the future and us and anything else – then be upset because he hasn’t read your mind the way you think he should. You’re the one afraid of everything.

Because you could fling that blame at your ex for a while, but now look: Over a year later, a year of nothing but solid proof that he loves you, and you’re doing it again. You’re second guessing, over thinking, worrying. You have to start looking at you now. Perhaps a good motivator would be to imagine your ex standing over you saying “I told you so. It wasn’t me. It was you. Just like I said.” And you don’t want to prove him right. Stop looking at what was done to you, and start thinking about how you can overcome that.

Of course, you’re afraid to be hurt again. Naturally. But there’s nothing you can do to keep that from happening now. No amount of supposing or hypothesizing is going to change it. So just roll with it. Stop letting worry consume you. Why are you always thinking about the worst? You worried about leaving clothes at your boyfriend’s house because you hated the thought of one day carrying them all back out again. And he went ahead and bought you a dresser to put them in. Half of the closet. Some counter space. And then he invited you to live there. Sure, it’s possible that you’ll have to move it all out one day. That’s the case with anything. But why worry about that rather than focusing on the fact that the dresser is there, full of sweaters and underpants and sexy underthings? And he put it there, with absolutely no instruction from you. He wants you. He loves you. Try thinking about that for once.

But it's to your credit that, unlike normal women, you don't worry about cheating. You at least feel secure in that. It's just that you worry so much that he's going to leave. And break your heart. That's more frightening to you than betrayal. You just don't want to be left standing with a fractured heart again. And that's understandable. But don't you think it's time you let go of that? Just release that fear. You've come too far - with him and by yourself - to still be clinging to old ghosts like that.

Because, really, he’s not going to want to keep convincing you that he loves you. You know he does. Just remember it.


Anonymous said...

Awesome. Absolutely awesome.

Cheetarah1980 said...

I think the fear that they will leave is worse than the fear that they will cheat. At least cheating you can blame on someone else. You can tell yourself, "well he wanted her more," instead of having to say, "damn, he just didn't want me." It's hard to let go of that fear. But honestly, you could kill a good thing if you don't. That's where faith comes in. At some point you just gotta close your eyes and leap and pray to God that Billy's there to catch you.

Popeye said...

Ask him to do something for you. When this fear gets me, I'm afraid to ask anyone for anything but, somehow, asking the person to do something seems to counter act it. Maybe a silly suggestion, but it helps me.

steph said...

Okay I am trying this again because I posted before I edited...what I was trying to say was... See your past in a positive light. It has made you the person you are today. Your ex is the villan in this, not Billy. Know that you are stronger because of what has happened to you. If you had to you could pull the pieces to your broken heart back again, you have done it before. Trust yourself and your gut!