Playground

She never really got over what happened
Says she'd be better if she left it alone
She said it always seems to end up in heartache
Couldn't be bothered, it's a waste of her time.

Here I am, at work, only succeeding in working myself up into a frenzy of questions about my boyfriend. I worry that, suddenly, he's grown tired of being with me, of handling me with the care I require. I'm upset, wondering how I will fix myself this time, how I will do it without scaring him. How I will control the damage that I seem to always find with my delicate and wounded psyche.

And then Billy walked in the door, cup of coffee in hand for me.

He said if she would open up to the option
He thinks that maybe he could change her mind
She knows it's possible that he could be lying but
Maybe it's worth it, maybe he's the one

I forget that you do nice things for the once that you love. Whether it be coffee in the middle of the day, or remembering to favor your sore spots. That's what you do. And just as I can't let myself collapse into the whiny, insecure, desperate person I was in my past relationship, I can't expect myself to just be okay. I'm allowed to carry around some doubt, some trepidation. And we both - Billy and I - have to work to make it work. I have to work on trusting that I won't be hurt, he has to help me believe that. Just as I'll make him believe I'd never do anything to hurt him.

There it goes,
pushing,
pulling,
tugging
on your heartstrings
Once again, did you ever think that you'd get away
There it goes, calling you to jump into its fire
All you can do, is pray that you don't get burned

Of course we all worry about being hurt. It's natural. Your heart is crushed in one way or another, and you're left with the bruises that remain. So you're careful. If you plummet from the Monkey Bars in grade school, fracturing your elbow, you're not so quick to climb back up and try to do that flip again. You wear the sling. You save the climbing until you've healed. And even then, you're nervous. That's what we do. It's self-preservation.

She's never had a lot of luck with romance now
It's only logical that she'd be afraid
But something's telling her to give it a chance now
Don't wanna listen but she has no choice

But no matter how much you try to stay away, that playground equipment calls to you. Maybe you start with just dangling. Then you walk across the laddered silver bars with your hands. Then maybe you flip upside down, your knees hooked over the bar. And then, later, once you're comfortable with it again, you try the flip; You're lulled by his voice and his eyes and the way he kisses, and the way he genuinely cares. And you know that, even if you try and swing, he might be the kind of guy who will be your spot, who will catch you if you can't hold on.

Something about him makes her wild and excited
And when he calls she can't contain how she feels
Lately she wants to know if he's alright
She's starting to believe that maybe it's real

And eventually, you get to a point where you realize that falling maybe wouldn't be so bad. That it's so glorious swinging there, it's worth the chance. And he reminds you, constantly, of his presence. And sure, he may want to do his own thing, too. Maybe go over and use the slide, use the swings...But he'll be within earshot. And as long as you don't require his constant, undivided and unwavering attention, he's happy to run back if you need him. And you can't get over how amazing that feels.

There it goes,
pushing,
pulling,
tugging
on your heartstrings
Once again, did you ever think that you'd get away
There it goes, calling you to jump into its fire
All you can do, is pray that you don't get burned

Pretty soon, you start to stop worrying about the fall. And about whether or not he's right beneath you. And you start to trust yourself, your instinct to grab a hold with your hands if you feel unstable. You've been ignoring that instinct for a while, but you remember you have it. But, more than that, you start to trust the man who's promised he'll be there.

-Heartstrings,
Anthony David