Things I Can't Stand Right Now

1. “Have a Happy Period.” – The demand Always brand maxi pads makes every time I open one up to use it. Fuck you, Always. And the happy period you keep insisting I have.

2. The fact that, because of my last surgery, I have to use Always instead of Tampax. Thanks, doc. Nothing makes for an extra-special uncomfortable period like reverting back to junior high and wearing pads. God. I can just hear my pubescent voice in the halls of Greenspun Junior High asking a friend, "Quick, look at my butt. Can you see the outline of my pad?" Ugh.

3. My ovaries, my fallopian tubes, my uterus, my cervix, my hormones, and whatever else invisible, wicked forces that conspire to cause my period.

4. The mysterious gnome or troll or specter that continues to use the last sheet of toilet paper in the bathroom here at work, leaving only mangy little strips of Cottonelle clinging to the carcass of the roll that was.

5. The fact that someone would diligently tear the last shredded sheet of paper from the roll and not stop to think “You know, someone’s bound to come in here and need some toilet paper. Maybe I ought to replace it.”

6. The fact that it seems to happen every time I go to the bathroom.

7. The notion that, because I work with three men and one woman, I can be fairly certain it’s the men who are causing all of this undue, toilet-paper-related stress. And the fact that, because they are men, and men are known to do this, I should somehow just let it go.

8. That I can’t hang up a sign that says “Listen, cocksucker, if you use the last fucking piece of toilet paper, replace the goddamn roll.” Not because it’s gauche and unladylike to do such a thing, but because our customers sometimes use that bathroom. And that would be rude.

9. My internet connection at work. It’s up, it’s down, it’s up, it’s down. C’mon Blue Ridge Cable. WORK WITH ME HERE.

10. The fact that I did not enjoy Straight Up & Dirty as much as I thought I would. I really didn’t. And I wanted to. And I don’t know if it’s because I’m jealous that she got a book deal and I didn’t (because, God knows I’ve been blogging long enough to be discovered, right? What? Have I ever tried to get published? Have I ever even attempted to do anything that would nudge me in the direction of a career in writing? Uh, no. Why do you ask?), but I don’t think so. Because I was genuinely excited to hear that she was published. I felt like a friend, someone I knew, had just signed a book deal. And I bought it the week it came out. I was stoked to read it. But what I didn’t enjoy was the fact that it was just like the blog. It was conversational, and honest, yes. And that’s what I loved about the blog. But, well, the blog didn’t cost me $25 to read. I wanted a story. I read it. I liked it. Just not as much as I thought I would’ve.

11. That Billy is going out of town tonight with his two cousins. Not for work, for pleasure. And when he told me? He said, “By the way, we’re going to Atlantic City Wednesday night.” By the way? Like it was an afterthought? Like, by the way, I went to Wal Mart and got beef jerky? Or, by the way, I pulled the hair out of the drain for us? For the record, telling your girlfriend you're going on an elective night out of town is not a by the way kind of announcement. Not that I wanted him to ask for permission, I would've just like him to say something less casual. But, hey, what do I know. I have my period. I probably wouldn't be happy with anything.

12. Did I mention my hormones?

13. That I don’t have a computer at home.

14. Fruit flies. They’re everywhere. And they’re driving me crazy.

15. That I can’t really write about anything engaging.

16. That I just posted another list. Sorry.