Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Things I Can't Stand Right Now

1. “Have a Happy Period.” – The demand Always brand maxi pads makes every time I open one up to use it. Fuck you, Always. And the happy period you keep insisting I have.

2. The fact that, because of my last surgery, I have to use Always instead of Tampax. Thanks, doc. Nothing makes for an extra-special uncomfortable period like reverting back to junior high and wearing pads. God. I can just hear my pubescent voice in the halls of Greenspun Junior High asking a friend, "Quick, look at my butt. Can you see the outline of my pad?" Ugh.

3. My ovaries, my fallopian tubes, my uterus, my cervix, my hormones, and whatever else invisible, wicked forces that conspire to cause my period.

4. The mysterious gnome or troll or specter that continues to use the last sheet of toilet paper in the bathroom here at work, leaving only mangy little strips of Cottonelle clinging to the carcass of the roll that was.

5. The fact that someone would diligently tear the last shredded sheet of paper from the roll and not stop to think “You know, someone’s bound to come in here and need some toilet paper. Maybe I ought to replace it.”

6. The fact that it seems to happen every time I go to the bathroom.

7. The notion that, because I work with three men and one woman, I can be fairly certain it’s the men who are causing all of this undue, toilet-paper-related stress. And the fact that, because they are men, and men are known to do this, I should somehow just let it go.

8. That I can’t hang up a sign that says “Listen, cocksucker, if you use the last fucking piece of toilet paper, replace the goddamn roll.” Not because it’s gauche and unladylike to do such a thing, but because our customers sometimes use that bathroom. And that would be rude.

9. My internet connection at work. It’s up, it’s down, it’s up, it’s down. C’mon Blue Ridge Cable. WORK WITH ME HERE.

10. The fact that I did not enjoy Straight Up & Dirty as much as I thought I would. I really didn’t. And I wanted to. And I don’t know if it’s because I’m jealous that she got a book deal and I didn’t (because, God knows I’ve been blogging long enough to be discovered, right? What? Have I ever tried to get published? Have I ever even attempted to do anything that would nudge me in the direction of a career in writing? Uh, no. Why do you ask?), but I don’t think so. Because I was genuinely excited to hear that she was published. I felt like a friend, someone I knew, had just signed a book deal. And I bought it the week it came out. I was stoked to read it. But what I didn’t enjoy was the fact that it was just like the blog. It was conversational, and honest, yes. And that’s what I loved about the blog. But, well, the blog didn’t cost me $25 to read. I wanted a story. I read it. I liked it. Just not as much as I thought I would’ve.

11. That Billy is going out of town tonight with his two cousins. Not for work, for pleasure. And when he told me? He said, “By the way, we’re going to Atlantic City Wednesday night.” By the way? Like it was an afterthought? Like, by the way, I went to Wal Mart and got beef jerky? Or, by the way, I pulled the hair out of the drain for us? For the record, telling your girlfriend you're going on an elective night out of town is not a by the way kind of announcement. Not that I wanted him to ask for permission, I would've just like him to say something less casual. But, hey, what do I know. I have my period. I probably wouldn't be happy with anything.

12. Did I mention my hormones?

13. That I don’t have a computer at home.

14. Fruit flies. They’re everywhere. And they’re driving me crazy.

15. That I can’t really write about anything engaging.

16. That I just posted another list. Sorry.


God's gift to women (with really low standards) said...

You didn't have friends in junior high.

steph said...

I don't think they should be allowed to put the words happy and period in the same sentence, let alone in a commercial! It is just wrong! I hope your week gets better!

Kat said...

Happy Period? EGADS!

Pads.. They suck!

My lastest beef with bugs these days are frigg'n BEES. Its that time of year when they don't know what to do with themselves. During my outside mid-morning cig, the bees swarm around my smoking buddy and I. Waiting for that one moment when we don't shoo them away. Yesterday, one frigg'n asshole of a bee followed me back into the building. Smoking buddy shooed it away from me as we ran back inside giggling like 14 year old girls. :-)

I hope you are doing well Laurie. Give yourself some time to heal and things will get better. I'm sure of it.

Melissa said...

Wow...exactly what a post should look like when you have your period! And having to wear pads...I feel your pain! :( Put up a sign at work that says, "a monkey could do this" right by the toilet paper roll, go home take a nice bath, make a extra large cran and vodka and call it a night!

anno said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
anno said...

Sorry I missed this yesterday. Hope you have strong drink and a better evening ahead of you tonight.

Tiffany said...

I think it's great that it's only the fact that customers use your bathroom that is keeping you from posting a "look here asshole" sign in the bathroom! How frustrating!

I'm about halfway through with Straight Up & Dirty myself and my two complaints are 1) becuase I've been reading the blog for awhile I've heard most of these stories already and 2) I am J.E.A.L.O.U.S. And while green is a good color for me... I'm not sure that much green is good you know?

Though I am more motivated now.

Liz said...

Thank god I am not the only one. I have turned in to the IRRATIONAL FEMALE!! While I haven't suffered as you have, I also haven't been very nice to my body lately and it took a stand and is giving me the big FUCK YOU.

Liz said...

Yo, what is it about summer time and fruit flies? I hate them. They fly around your face and vanish before you can kill them. I hate them, hate them, hate them.

As for Straight Up and Dirty. I bought it a month ago and still haven't finished it. I just can't get through it. You're right, it's just like the blog. And over 200 pages of blogging just isn't really writing to me. It gets stale after a bit. She's a good writer no doubt, I just would've preferred a story with characters and settings and plot. So don't feel bad that you didn't like it.

Jasika said...

Oh my word! I NEED to do one of these lists today...grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I feel ya honey...

But, I did like Straight Up and Dirty, I think its cause I could relate to the story in how* she was FUCKED OVER hard core by - of course- the man she loved.

Not that we havent all been there.

I dunno- As for the Billy thing. That IS extremely annoying, but I guess it comes with the territory when it comes to men and periods!