Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Sandpaper

I can’t focus. I can’t keep my thoughts on one item at a time. Not work, not blogs, not even this. I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth so that it’s raw, my mouth curled so that I can reach the fleshy parts of the inside of my cheek with my teeth. It’s not attractive, and not particularly comfortable either, but it’s what I do when I’m nervous.

I don’t know if it’s my cold, or my impending period, my nature, or something really deep inside of me that I haven’t quite acknowledged yet, but I keep fighting with Billy. Last weekend, this weekend, last night; for a couple who never fights, there’s been a terrifying increase in the frequency of our quarrels.

Couples fight. I know they do. All the time. People scream at each other, throw things, hurl nasty names like cannonballs. But that’s not what we do. We have “discussions” in which neither of us raises our voice. We try to out-synonym, out-think, out-smart, out-debate one another. And we’re both so stubborn that our fights – or discussions – rarely get us anywhere besides on opposite sides of the bed, back to back, and unfulfilled. I won’t bend, neither will he. And so we get locked in a stalemate that eventually settles into the backs of our minds with the aid of sleep, the fight all but forgotten in a day or so.

But I freak out. Over everything. And right now, the morning after a fight, his silence is ringing in my ears. Something feels very wrong, and I don’t like it. My body is heavy with dread, my throat thick with worry. And for no reason. I hope.

If I could reach him now, I would. If I could find him, talk to him, I’d do it. But I can’t, and it makes every second that creeps by feel like sandpaper against my skin. Before I know it, I’ll be raw, like the inside of my cheeks; chewed up and spat out by my own psyche, my own over-active imagination, my own fear, my own insecurity that one fight will be the one to push him away for good.

10 comments:

Liz said...

Ok while I know with the cold deep breaths are hard to take but try for me.

We are never the best versions of ourselves when we are sick or PMSing, but combine the two and we are like ticking time bombs. I am sure b/c you are on " I don't feel well" overload, you are feeling a little more sensitive that usual.

Just my two cents. I hope you start to feel better soon!

Anonymous said...

Billy absolutely loves you. A couple littel fights are not going to change that fact.

I feel like I have been fighting/bickering with John non-stop over weddings stuff. It is not us, we don't fight either. It is hard, I know it.

Talk to Billy, before another fight starts. Figure out what is going on, what is causing these fights. I am sure between all the crap that has been going on with your life lately, you are under more than a little stress.

Everything is going to be okay.

Kristi said...

Sweetie you jsut said it.......

"And we’re both so stubborn that our fights – or discussions – rarely get us anywhere besides on opposite sides of the bed, back to back, and unfulfilled."

that frustration doens't just disipate. Its still there!
unvalidated

you have gone thru so much in the last few months.
Sickness, breakins, committment crap!
your anxiety must be high each and every day just cause.
one little thing from him and it sends you thru the roof!

I'm sorry that you are freaking out. Instincts are an amazing thing in a woman.
Whatever you do......don't over fix

Cheetarah1980 said...

I'm really oversensitive right now, but this post just sent tears down my cheeks. I completely know that feeling. The feeling that you could lose him at any second. And it makes you push harder just to be sure everything is okay. I guess you have to trust that he loves you enough that the "discussions" won't get in the way. Insecurity is a bitch, especially when you're not insecure about anyone but yourself.

kate said...

okay. i've been wanting to comment for a while now, but didn't know how you'd take what i had to say. and i don't mean this in any negative way. but why do you do this to yourself? post after post, all i read is about you messing up what is a good thing. you've got a guy that loves you and that you adore. things are good. why not just let them be instead of always looking for something to go wrong? you really need to work on your insecurites before you chase away everything you've always wanted. you're a smart, beautiful girl and you deserve to be happy. let yourself be happy, laurie.

Sunney said...

Ugh, honey, that makes for a VERY long day. You weigh it, you question it, you wonder if its intuition or insecurity. As a smart woman, you acknowledge both. As a woman who wants to keep her sanity, you vent, because it needs to come out. You know how to find me...

Laurie said...

I'm not prepared to take 100% of the blame for the fights we've been having. I don't do it all to myself, though I will admit that there is a large part of me that loves to convince me that I fuck everything up....

But he's guilty of committing acts of mental terrorism upon me, too. He knows how to push my buttons. He knows how to kick that insecure part of me into its highest gear.

We're both to blame for the fights. I'm to blame for freaking the fuck out, but he was there, too.

Anonymous said...

:/ Feel better...

Mikaela

reddirtroad said...

Don't give in, Laurie. Don't give up.

Remember when you and Billy first met. He was attracted to your strong will and independance. Moving in together takes part of that away and that is natural. But with the stress of moving in and the trips, the surgeries, the break-in, the whatevers, you both may be relying upon one another for stability. Now it's time to take care of yourselves again. That's the only way to get through these times.

Make sure that you are where you want to be. Make choices in your life that improve who you are. Billy will do the same.

I have a feeling that you have a hard road ahead of you in the near future. All of the stress you have endured lately is only compounded by the question of your future with Billy. The first reaction to this is to hang on harder (I know it is) but the better thing to do is to make sure you are taken care of. If you are taking care of yourself, there's no way anything falls onto you. That will remove your feelings of insecurity out of the equation. This will help you to see things more clearly. You need to take care of yourself first.

Talk to him. Don't tell him what you want to see from him, tell him what you are doing to make yourself a better person (even though you are already a great person, everyone needs to keep up their maintenance).

Billy, if he's any kind of decent man and we already think he is, will see you bettering yourself and want to do the same for himself. If you are happy, this is attractive. Make yourself happy. You will both come out of this on top, no matter what happens.

Anonymous said...

You made an awesome point with the comment on how he knows how to push the buttons. I have been married for 23 years and the ONLY person that could push my buttons any better was my father! Sometimes I think they do it just to see how we will react. Sometimes I think there is something going on in their lives that they just aren't quite ready to let us in on. However, you still want to beat the crap out of them for pushing you into being the nastiest you can possibly be. But that is ok, because we do it to them too. I know that I push my husbands buttons when I am upset about something that has NOTHING to do with him. But you have to take it out on someone and they are available. Just hang in there. He's been under a lot of stress with you being in and out of surgery and now with the cold. It will work out. I hope your cold is gone before your birthday, that just SUCKS!