Postcards from Florida

Nancy: "We're going to the Ft. Lauderdale ocean today."
Me: "Is that a new ocean?"
Austin, smirking: "Yeah, I think they just put it in."

****

Alex, in the Hustler store, handing Austin a pin: "I think you should buy this one."
Austin, reading the pin aloud: "'Does this dick in my mouth make me look gay?'"
Laughter all around.

****

Me, addressing an elderly woman who cut us off in traffic: "Look at that old whore..."
Austin: "Old whore?!?!" Laughter.

From that point forward:

Austin, referring to Nancy's dog, Chelsea: "Come on, you old whore."
Me, referring to Austin: "Hey, old whore, where do you keep your paper towels?"
Austin, referring to me: "Would you hurry up, you old whore?"
Me, referring to a man crossing the street near our outdoor table at a restaurant: "Look at that old whore over there."
Austin, introducing me to his friend: "And this is my friend Laurie. She's an old whore."
Me, referring to Austin's sarcastic comments: "You keep that up, you're going to be a lonely old whore."

****

Me: Letting out a loud, obnoxious Homer Simpson style burp.
Austin: "No wonder you don't have a boyfriend."

Twenty minutes later

Austin: Letting out a loud, obnoxious Homer Simpson style burp.
Me: "No wonder you don't have a boyfriend."

*****

Austin, addressing me but pointing to an old woman driving 50 MPH in the fast lane on a 70 MPH highway: "That's going to be you in fifty years. Hair all done up....Long red nails...Make up, piled on thick to fill in the wrinkles....High heeled shoes....Cigarette hanging from your mouth...Hunched over the steering wheel of a Chevy Malibu...[in the raspy, manly voice of a long-time smoker, with, for some reason, a Brooklyn accent] 'Where's the party? I know I'm 74, but where's the fucking party?'"
Laughter.
Me: "Don't forget the push up bra."

*****

Austin, to me as we walked along the beach: "You know, I love walking on the beach. I just always thought I'd be doing it with my husband. But look at me [he looks at me in mock disgust], walking with you instead."
Me: "Yeah, same here."

****

Austin: "I have this friend down the street, and I want to bring him over to meet everyone, I'm just not sure he could handle all four of us at once. He's a rabbi..."
Me: "Is he gay?"
Austin: "Yeah, he's gay. He's cute. He's about my age...He's Jewish..."
Me: "Oh really? When you said 'Rabbi' I wasn't sure..."
Austin: "Bitch."

****

Austin: "Look at that waiter over there..."
Me: "Oh my God...Look at his ass..."
Austin: "He's straight, you know."
Me: "Are you sure? He's working in a gay bar."
Austin: "Oh, I'm sure. Trust me."
Me, eyeballing the waiter: "Hmmm...."
Austin: "You bring him home, you can live with me rent free for a year."

****

Nancy, to a bartender in the Laundry Bar in Miami: "Can we see that bottle over there?"
Bartender, holding up the X-Rated Vodka bottle: "This one?"
Nancy: "Yeah...What's it like?"
Bartender, bringing the bottle and a small glass over to us: "It's great. It's passion fruit and blood orange vodka. You've never had it?"
Nancy, sadly: "No. We're not from around here."

****

Nancy, in the midst of a story: "...so he ate her out..."
Me: "Could you not say that? 'Eat out?' That's so disgusting."
Nancy: "Oh, well, what do you want me to say?"
Me: "How about...dining elsewhere?"

****

Me, addressing Austin but pointing to a pigeon walking around on the outdoor dining area of Hamburger Mary's: "Look at that pigeon! He has a mushroom on his back!"
Austin: "Maybe he's saving it for later."
Me: "You know he's going to be embarrassed when he realizes later that it's been on his back all day."
Our friend, Greg: "He probably asked his friend if he had anything on him, and his friend didn't know how to tell him nicely, so he was like 'Oh...Uh....No. You're fine. You're cool.'"
Me: "Later, when he sees it, he'll be like 'Dude! You told me I didn't have anything in my feathers!'"
Austin, imitating the pigeon: "'How's my bill? Do I have anything in my bill?'"

****

Waiter at the steakhouse, addressing our table of 6: "Are you guys ready to order? Ladies first."
Scott: "Well then, I'll have the..."
Laughter.

****

Alex, to Nancy: "You're a horrible driver. You were turning into the wrong lanes, you ran over a medium..."
Me: "A medium? There was a psychic in the road?"
Alex: "Yes. With a creskin hat and everything."

****

Ahhh. Vacation.