Saturday, July 01, 2006

Cation: This Could Induce Nausea

I'm really of no use today. I'm tired and I'm completely lovesick. It makes me act funny, all googly-eyed and dreamy, my stomach doing somersaults and my face flushing every time I think of my other half.

It's just that, when you realize that someone really loves you - the kind of love you never expected you'd find, the kind that you never thought you'd be lucky enough to have - you tend to lose yourself in the fortune of it. Yes, I've been dating Billy for almost a year. Yes, we've been saying I love you constantly since three months into our relationship. Yes, I know how crazy I am about him. But, I just always sort of figured that the scales were tipped in his favor. That, though he loves me, I would always love him just a little bit more. That the feelings coursing through me were so great they would shame the way he feels. That what I feel for him far outweighs what he could even fathom feeling for me. And then I see that it's not that way at all; That I have what I thought wasn't possible. That he loves me back. Fully and completely. I always wanted it, and here it is. And I'm in disbelief. I almost can't believe it's real; it's that amazing.

Because, for some reason, I felt destined to wade around in murky love, the kind that is fickle and unforgiving and fleeting. I thought I'd be forever sentenced to loving more, to doing more, to wanting more. I've spent so much of my life begging for love, and having it rationed to me. Bits and pieces, part of the whole package, but never everything at once. I chased, I followed, I was dropped. And something within me makes me believe that that's the way it will always be. I deny myself the faith in forever, the trust that I'm loved, that I'm worthy of the kind of emotion that makes someone actually want to be there for me. I've seen it, sure. In countless other relationships, and even once in a relationship of my own. But I just never thought I'd see it again. And here it is.

When I was young, Martina McBride had this song out on the radio called My Baby Loves Me. She sings that her husband/boyfriend thinks she's pretty and smart, he loves her when she's mad, silly and sad. "High heels or sneakers, he don't give a damn. My baby loves me just the way that I am." My grandmother told my mom it reminded her of my father, how he loves my mom. Years later, I'd hear that song on a country radio flashback and cry, thinking I'd never have that. Thinking to myself, that just being me would never be enough to make someone love me, and keep them with me.

But Billy thinks I'm sexiest right after I wake. He prefers no makeup to a polished look, and thinks I'm cutest when I run around the house barefoot. He loves my mind, and tells me that his favorite part of me is that I'm genuine. Our favorite moments are in bed, with the TV on, laughing together at something silly. We still, all this time after our beginning, spend every free minute with each other, failing to tire of one another's company. I still have a crush on him. He still kisses me for no reason, holds my hand in the car, and looks at me with eyes that tell me more than he could ever say.

I was talking with Billy's uncle the other night, out at a local restaurant, and we were discussing the family trip I'll be going on to Mexico in August. "Yeah, I told my mom that you're coming, and reminded her that she met you in Florida, back in October. I said 'Yeah, Billy's been dating a girl for a whole year, I can't believe it.' She can't either. She asked if you're using some kind of sorcery on him." I laughed, nodded, sipped my wine. "You bet," I said.

"He's not my type, I don't want to date him," his uncle mocked. "What happened to all that? Remember, this time last year, you were telling me you wanted absolutely nothing to do with him? Now you've been dating for almost a year. And he said the same thing: No, no, no. I don't want to date her. A year! What the hell?"

"I know, I know," I said. "I don't know what happened. I'm just really incredible, and he couldn't resist me. I took pity on him."

"No, really," his uncle said, seriously. "I told my mom, 'Yeah, they've been together almost a year. And this one...I mean, they really love each other. You just have to see it.'"


anno said...

Or it could just make someone jealous. Kisses for no reason!! Do you think that just happens?

Actually, I've been pretty lucky with M., and we've been together for nearly 21 years, married for 18. FWIW, we also did the "we're-not-really-interested-in-each-other" dance for the first couple of years before we figured it out.

Sounds like your holiday weekend is off to a good start. Enjoy!

God's gift to women (with really low standards) said...


Kat said...


Popeye said...

Color me jealous. . .

Sunney said...

Savor every sweet moment of it and bank those feelings away for a day when you will have moments of insecurity or unsure-ness. That's what will get you through. You deserve to be loved like that. :)

K said...

Billy is a rare find. How wonderful for you both!

(The BF prefers me barefoot too. Woohoo!)