"Do You Have Prince Albert in a Can?" and Other Classics

I think it's so cute that my thirty-seven year old ex-boyfriend got one of his friends in South Carolina (where he probably is right now) to prank call me at 3:00 this morning. Twice.

Yes. That's right. Prank called me. Twice.

Ha! Hahahaahhahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaha!

Yeah, I didn't realize that we were still in fifth grade.

To be fair, I can't be certain that it was him. But let's see...

He left town earlier this week
+ He used to live in South Carolina
+ He always wanted to go back
+ The grapevine told me he'd be stopping there on his way down south
+ The caller ID told me the number was from South Carolina
+ The female voice said "You made a mistake breaking up with Thomas" in the first message and "Hung like a bear!" in the second message
+ He always told me he gets drunk and does stupid shit when he's there

= Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was him.

What with the misused simile (Isn't it supposed to be Hung like a horse?) and all, it has late night, alcohol induced antics written all over it.

And it makes me think, Gee, if he missed me that much, he could've just called; No need to send in the pranksters. I can just picture them all (I'm picturing about five people in someone's living room), bottles of liquor in hand, and then one of them saying "You know what would be funny? Prank calling your ex-girlfriend!" Because, obviously, that's what you do when you're in your mid-thirties and you're sitting around talking about the Good Ol' Days when you were 20. So then Tom gets all excited and gives my number to the girl, and they giggle over what to say, and she dials the number, and Tom scoots real close to her...And she holds the phone to her ear, but tilts it out so that Tom can hear, too. And they were probably a little disappointed when I didn't answer all groggy and confused, so they settled for a message. And she left the first one, and hung up real quick in a fit of laughter, but then realized she forgot to reference his package. So she dialed again and shushed everybody and whispered a slurred "be quiet everybody, I'm calling again," and I didn't pick up again, so she settled for leaving another message, but forgot what she was supposed to say, so she just used the first large animal that came to mind. "Hung like a bear!" Hang up. Laughter all around. Then they probably took bets on whether or not I'd call back, then laughed some more. Then Tom probably said I'd write about it on my blog today. Then they laughed some more. Then they passed out.

Or he was gettin' it on with someone, and she was so overwhelmed with his sexual prowess that she stopped right there and asked for my number. "I have to call her right now," she might've said, while dismounting and searching for her phone. While she flips open her cell phone, she looks at him, her eyes wide in disbelief. "I just can't believe she gave this up." She runs her hand over him. "What's her number?" she asks, her finger poised above a glowing keypad. Then, almost as an afterthought, she looks at him again. "Has anyone ever told you you're hung like a bear?"

But I really think it's option A.

And, besides the fact that I accidentally knocked over a half-full glass of red wine while replaying the messages, that shit was funny. Because who doesn't like to feel like they're 12 again? I know I do.

Oh, those crazy kids. They got me with their telephone antics! Hung like a bear...Oooh, Snap!

Maybe, tonight, they'll call me and ask if my refrigerator's running!