It's just before midnight, and I am just about to get to the best part of my day: The ten or so minutes between going to bed, and actually falling asleep.
It is within those precious moments that I am afforded the ability to think of everything, or nothing. I can create a scenario in my head in which I look fabulous and run into an ex. I can imagine that I am a real writer, supporting myself through words alone. I can recall a great part of my day...Or recall a horrible part, but tweak it to make it funny or think of things I could've done differently.
But mostly, I fantasize.
I fantasize about being in a good relationship. I fantasize about a man who makes me laugh, who is tall and smart and is crazy about me. I fantasize about having my hand held while walking into a restaurant. I fantasize about being happy.
Lately, though, the best part of my day has become bittersweet. I enjoy the taste I get, albeit a small one, of the future I want, but I'm becoming weary of how far away it feels. I'm tired of the man in my fantasies being anonymous, some faceless creature I've yet to meet. I'm sick of all the fiction; I want a little fact in my fantasy.
It was recently said that "[I] can't meet a guy in general [I'm] not going to criticize in some way, shape, or form." And, for a second, I agreed. But the person who said that has no idea who I am. I don't need an Adonis. I don't expect some picture-perfect man to breeze through my door with six-pack abs and a chiseled jaw. Nor am I looking for flaws, eager to tear apart every man I come across. I just want to meet a man who is smart and kind, who will make me laugh until my face hurts, who will wrap me in his arms and make me feel safe, who will be just as over-the-moon for me as I am for him.
I'm looking for the right person, and I know I haven't found him yet: The person I meet every night, just before I fall asleep.
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"How about no longer being masochistic How about remembering your divinity..." -Alanis Morrisette, Thank U
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23 comments:
I'm not going to apologize for anything I say, nor am I going to stop commenting on your writing. Here's the thing--I call it like I see it. Looking through some of your older posts last night(with Jake), we determined you're quite possibly the most hypocritical woman we've ever come across (literally or figuratively). You act as if you're some helpless victim in love's cruel game and find fault with every guy who even tries to spend a little time with you.
You're probably asking yourself what I mean, so I'll break it down to you since the impression I get is that you're eithre in denial or too oblivious to admit that your shit really stinks.
Let's start with the guy who didn't walk you to your car. You said it was a great time and alluded to maybe developing something, but that all the magic dissipated once he left you standing there. Did you take into consideration that this guy just didn't think about it at the time? Who's to say he's like that all the time? Maybe he used to be the perfect gentleman in previous relationships but stopped once his heart was broken by a woman who took advantage of his good nature. You don't think he'd reclaim his gentlemanly manner once finding a girl who truly appreciates it? Maybe you were that girl and you just didn't give him the chance.
Now the flower dude. He brought you a carnation and not something fancier. Obviously he cared enough about you to even consider doing something nice. Why judge him on the flower itself when the mere act of kindness would be extremely impressive to 99.99% of remaining heterosexual female population. And maybe you did have plans with your brother, but at least you could have tried to work something out before judging him. If you could have looked past his flower "faux pas" as you like to say, you would have discovered him to be worth while.
The vindictive guy...Again, you admitted yourself to having judged him and having ruled him out. Did you at least meet this guy? Maybe there was a history between his roommate and him that you didn't quite understand. Did you know the situation or did you cut him off like the flower dude? What's to say he would treat you like he does his roommate? Do you know how he treats others in his life? I'm going to play it safe and say no because, again, you failed to give this one a chance. Maybe he has a huge heart and plenty of love to give, but you'll never know.
The guy with the lisp. Maybe he had a hairlip or cleft palate and singing is his way of overcoming adversity. Maybe he had gone to a speech therapist for years to work on what really is a minor issue, and maybe your reaction made him feel like shit since you blatantly pointed out what he probably sees as one of his flaws. Were you expecting him to sing for you 24/7?
Now the pubic hair dude...ok, that was funny. But I'm sure he has his redeeming qualities. I think you're better off blowing him off.
My point is that none of these guys are perfect. Here's a secret: NEITHER ARE YOU. I'm sure each and everyone of these guys made concessions and were willing to accept you for who you are, the whole package. You smoke. I know tons of straight guys who would never even talk to a smoker. You were taller than the shrimp. I'm sure that wouldn't bother him...he's probably been shorter than every girl he's ever dated, kinky or not. The flower dude...maybe he doesn't like high maintenance women, which you are, but he was willing to give it a shot. The vindictive dude--maybe there was something about you he found utterly annoying but decided to look past that. The parking lot guy...maybe he just didn't think you were good enough for him because of his previous experiences. Maybe he had judged you long before you judged him. Maybe he could sense your true character before opening up? Being judged prematurely hurts, doesn't it? You think these guys would appreciate knowing you were doing this with them? Ever think about that one?
You say you're not looking for an Adonis, but someone to make you laugh and love you unconditionally. Why do you say that none of these guys were capable of that? How well did you know them? How much of a chance did you give them? How fair is to them for you to judge them the way you do every guy who comes your way.
You may say that I don't know you well enough to make assessments on you. That's like the pot calling the kettle black considering how you, of all people, use every encounter with a potentially good man as cannon fodder in your silly little blog. I'm also going to make a strong assumption and say that you were at least woman enough to tell these men directly what you really thought of them. right? Who am I kidding, they're probably not even aware of why you no longer talk to them. Take a good look at yourself inside and reflect on everything I just said. Where does the real problem lie--in these men, or in you?
I, at least have hope for you and truly wish you the best of luck in finding someone to put up with your shit. But at this rate, I'm willing to bet $100 that you are going to be single for a VERY long time. I really hope you make me lose that bet because I'm an optimist.
Jake, on the other hand, thinks you're nothing but a shallow bitch and hopes you end up with 20 cats and no man. He thinks all of these men in your blog are better off without you, even the shrimp.
Eldon
Honestly, I would have to agree with Eldon on some of these points. Although you have always been a nice person to the people who visit your blog, I can't help but feel sorry for the poor chaps who have braved a date with you.
I still think you are a great gal and I love your writting, I just think you need to take some of Eldons advice and ease up on the guillotine.
Are you just trying to hurt them before they hurt you?
I don't think Laurie should be critized for having high standards. As a fellow single girl, I understand where she is coming from. There's no reason why any girl (or anyone for that matter) should have to settle for anything less than what they want or deserve. I've settled at times just to have a boyfriend, or just to give someone a chance, and ultimately it didn't work out because I wasn't entirely happy. And it's not going to work out between Laurie and any of these guys she talks about because she probably won't be happy with her choice. I hate to get all preachy and holier than thou in the comments section, so I'll just say this: Don't settle Laurie, or let people try to talk you into it. Stick to your guns until you find what you really want, he's out there.
Unfortunately my computer died the first time I tried posting this. I apologize if comes up twice.
I'm not saying she has to settle. It just seems like the only guy even remotely close to her "dream date" is Jesus. Even then, I think she'd probably find something to write about in her blog. "His imperial isn't trim enough"--if she even likes facial hair. "He should use cornrows instead of wearing his hair straight." "His black leather sandals and black leather rope don't don't match his his khaki-colored robe." "His frankincense was a too overpowering."
Eldon
For some reason, this didn't post the first time. So, I will again try.
Eldon,
This message is more for you than Laurie. First off, you must be gay...that is cool, but that means you have a different perspective on things. I say that because why else would you be sitting with Jake...unless he is your dog? If your not gay...good for you too.
Secondly, you must know Laurie. If not, you are a big dick.
How dare you criticize Laurie on judging people. I say this for two reasons: 1. I am sure she is not telling us the whole story. You said you have read her writing...well, I am sure you will agree she writes just as much for humor as she does sincerity. Therefore, I am sure in most cases there is more to it than (for example) some guy having a lisp...he probably smelled like ass and fish and was semi retarded. However, Laurie thought it would be funnier to give us a snipit of the situation that was funny as opposed to the whole thing.
2. I can not believe you used the old phrase, "the pot calling the fettle black" look at yourself. I am sure we have all judged people on their first impressions. I do it, the female readers do it...and if you have anything below your waste, I am sure you have done it too. It is natural. Also, I believe Laurie to subscribe to the same dating philosophy as me. If there is not a chance of commitment from you...why bother for more than too long with someone? Seriously, if anyone out there, without using cliche's, can tell me you would do that, I would love to hear it. But, please don't give me some bull about wanting to get to know someone, learning a lot from someone or any other crap like that. Maybe I am less emotional and more realistic.
Here is the other thing Eldon, why on earth would anyone date men like these she has written of?
I will break it down for you like this...Laurie likes a handsome gentleman. Most ladies will agree that is what they are looking for.
Eldon...now take note, because men and women appreciate this, so who ever you try to pick up next, remember this advice:
Would you ever date someone who didn't give you a polite goodbye after talking to you all night...even if they weren't into you? (Gentleman walk a lady to her car) Would you ever date someone who bought you a shitty little cup of yogurt when you had told her you were allergic to dairy? (A gentleman listens to a lady when she speaks then surprises her with gifts that he knows she will like because he was paying attention)
Would you ever date someone who stuck their roommate's toothbrush up their ass? (Gentlemen don't see the humor in that after age 18)
The pubic hair guy...ok, we all agree that is a sick individual.
Would you ever date anyone who you could not stand to listen to? How horrible would it be to hate talking to someone because they sounded like Big Gay Al. (No offense) And maybe he did have a cleft lip...of course then he would just be ugly. Do you have a cleft lip Eldon? Is that what this is really all about?
Here is the other thing my little man needing an ego boost? How dare you read what she has written, cut it (and her I will add) to shreds, then have the nerve to say you will not quit reading her posts? If what she says offends you...fuck off and do something else with your time you enjoy...like getting out and doing something athletic, or reading a book, watching TV, or whatever it is you do in your little world. Man, if you have had your little heart crushed by a strong woman like Laurie, sorry, get over it and move on. Let me tell you, strong women are hard to find...and it is no fun with a weak one.
So, in closing, Laurie...great job...keep up the good work and don't settle. Also don't listen to guys like Eldon...some men were born men...some were named Eldon... was that a guy's name on Lord of the Rings? Also, if I have offended you, Laurie, if Eldon is a friend, let me know and I will say I am sorry.
Eldon...one last word, when speaking to another man...it is ok to be upfront and candid, as I have with you. However, when speaking to a lady, a gentleman is polite even when criticizing. I guess we Western boys were just raised differently.
ok, well, ell-DON,
first off, you're an asshole, that's my big-sister you're talking about. and i'm a very protective brother. i was taking a break from writing an english paper for my en201 class, reading what my sister wrote, then i came to the comments section and had to read this bullshit you wrote. you have obviously turned a blid eye to the fact that my sister takes actuall events that have happend to her and shows the funny parts of them for entertainment. and there's no way you know my sister from reading her blogs. she's got no flaws, except for the smoking thing, and if she brought any of these men home and didn't see the problems with them, they would have to pass my test. and i doubt any of them would. so what's your deal, are you some guy who tried to get my sisters attention, and failed? did you pine for her? or are you just a sad individual? and wow, you must have a lot of time on your hands, if you can sit there and pick apart her blogs. like someone stated before me, why don't you do something constructive with your time. like get plastic surgery for your cleft lip. or read a book, i'm sure you'll find something nice in the self help section. well, have a nice day, asshole.
on another note, sis, don't you understand that the guy with the lisp would have held you in his arms and made you laugh. i'm sure the thweet nothingth would have made you crack up
scorpion
First of all, thank you to Kiki and my brother for your support.
Secondly, Anonymous Commentor #5, you have not offended me at all. Eldon is certainly not a friend of mine, and there is absolutely no need to say you're sorry. In fact, I am grateful that you posted your comment.
Right on Laurie's little brother...and thanks for quoting me. And, I do not believe Eldon would be considered El Don in any spanish speaking country.
Laurie, just read your comment after replying to your little brother for being so right. You are more than welcome for the post and I hope first, that Eldon hits a tree driving next time he crawls out of his dingy apartment away from his only link to the outside world...his computer. And, second that you have a wonderful night and enjoy whatever tomorrow will bring. Just remember these words of wisdom: There is going to be a good man out there for you. Maybe you have already found him, maybe he has yet to find you, but no matter what...his name will not be Eldon.
All I can say, Anonymous, is thank you once again for posting. :)
Ummm yeah... I was just going to say I like your writing style.
If I lived close to you (and... well... knew you...), I would ask you out right now...
For our first date we could drive over to Elmer... er... Eldon's house and collect that $100 bet, bitch slap his 'friend' Jake and kick his dog (if he's got one). After that, who knows? The night would still be young.
Disclaimer: I in no way meant to condone the actual kicking of real dogs... just the virtual kicking of imaginary dogs... and people without a sense of humour...
Aww, Shawn....That is so romantic. :)
Nice to see I can get a reaction out of you...must have touched a nerve. And yeah, maybe I'm an asshole. Spending 12 of the last 15 years in the CYA will do that to anyone.
It's 8:40 my time. I'll be at the Eagle Tavern in San Fran by 10. If you have real issues and feel squirrely, you can find me there. Look for the skinny black dude with an LNX tatoo on the right side of the neck. I'll be wearing all black and a gold necklace.
Eldon
There is a time for everything, a season for every
activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time
to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time
to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and
a time to rebuild. A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to
scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time
to embrace and a time to turn away. A time to
search and a time to lose. A time to keep and
a time to throw away. A time to tear and a time
to mend. A time to be quiet and a time to speak
up. A time to love and a time to hate. A time for
war and a time for peace.
You have a riveting web log and undoubtedly
must have atypical & quiescent potential for
your intended readership. May I suggest that
you do everything in your power to honor
your Designer/Architect as well as your audience.
Please remember to never restrict anyone's
opportunities for ascertaining uninterrupted
existence for their quintessence.
Best wishes for continued ascendancy,
Howdy
Editor
'Thought & Humor'
Cyber-Humor & Cyber-Thought
http://ilovehowdy.blogspot.com/
Harvard Humor Club
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Harvard_Humor_Club/
I have to agree with Eldon. I stumbled across this blog from a friends I always read. I was first and foremost very impressed by how well Laurie writes. but ultimately I come back to read more because it blows my mind how self absorbed, snobby and elitist Laurie comes across through her writing. All Laurie seems to think and write about is all the attention she gets from men and how none of them are good enough. It gets to the point where I catch myself thinking "I can't believe they're are people out there who think like this, and no wonder relationships always fail." I don't know if she is like that in real life, but if this blog is any indication, she needs a reality check. She's got hot chick syndrome and thinks her shit doesn't stink and nobody will be good enough for her. There is a fine line between not settling and looking for something that isn't out there.
I also think it's funny how every post revolves around the same topic, how she loves her indenpendce yet pines for a boyfriend.
Again, the only man who was good enough was the one who didn't want it, thus proving the females tendancy to only like what they can't have. You fellas want this chick, treat her like shit, she'll love it.
Jeff in Minnesota
This is a letter for that asshole Eldon.
Dear Eldon,
I would like to tell you this in person but unfortunately I can't, anyway, I will do the best to express myself because you make me so ANGRY.
PLEASE, don't ever write to my friend Chimi in those terms again!! Who do you think you are???. You should apologize to her.
If you write to my friend in that horrible way again I swear to God that I will go and find you and I will kick your balls (if you have them) and believe me...I am serius about this.
A real men doesn't talk like that to a woman, ups...sorry I forgot you are not.
You don't know my friend Chimi, she is such a wonderful girl, pretty, so smart with a big heart, people who really know her are agree with me. I bet you really want to be like her.
I hope you get this message and understand that you don't write like that about her. You are a asshole
2. I can not believe you used the old phrase, "the pot calling the fettle black" look at yourself. I am sure we have all judged people on their first impressions. I do it, the female readers do it...and if you have anything below your waste, I am sure you have done it too. It is natural. Also, I believe Laurie to subscribe to the same dating philosophy as me. If there is not a chance of commitment from you...why bother for more than too long with someone? Seriously, if anyone out there, without using cliche's, can tell me you would do that, I would love to hear it. But, please don't give me some bull about wanting to get to know someone, learning a lot from someone or any other crap like that. Maybe I am less emotional and more realistic.
But the fettle is black.
Now, I acknowledge that I got here by clicking "Next Blog," so I'm more or less just spamming, but seriously anonymous person, you are making some awfully offensive comments, not to mention spelling errors. I love the "you're gay -- no offense!" part. And the fact is, as much as I'm troubled by this, I agree with most of what you say.
But, please don't give me some bull about wanting to get to know someone, learning a lot from someone or any other crap like that. Maybe I am less emotional and more realistic.
Okay, again, I agree with you. No one should be lambasted for not finding someone attractive. That oughta be rule no. 1. But saying that "getting to know someone" and "learning from someone" is just "crap" is kinda silly. I'm extremely realistic, and have benefitted from both of these things.
Let me tell you, strong women are hard to find...and it is no fun with a weak one.
After my own heart. But you know what? I wouldn't want a woman whose "strength" derived from her belief in fantasies coming to life. I can be easily convinced that Laurie was humorously conveying the inadequacies of her dates (who all sound appalling) by comparing them with fantasies. But I still find Eldon's failure to recognize that a little bit less appalling than your barely concealed homophobia. I mean, your calling him gay (he sounds more jilted, to me, actually) is the equivalent of me suggesting that you've accidentally fallen in love (maybe a couple times) with a gay dude. Which I would never do.
Pollo said:
I would like to tell you this in person but unfortunately I can't, anyway, I will do the best to express myself because you make me so ANGRY.
PLEASE, don't ever write to my friend Chimi in those terms again!! Who do you think you are???. You should apologize to her.
Hi. Do you have any idea what the connotations of the English word for pollo are? Unfortunately, you are very bad at expressing yourself, I must say. As anonymous said, Laurie is a strong woman (and frankly, I like her post better than any of her idiot friends' comments; sorry, Laurie!) and can probably take care of herself. Am I right?
Sorry for the trolling aspect of this. To be nice, I will come back over the next couple days to read and consider the flames. But I'm scared of chicken, so won't give my e-mail.
Genuinely,I believe enough scrutiny of Laurie and her friends has been done here.
Let me begin by saying I love Laurie and I have known her for years, many of you who have judged her can not say the same.
Regardless of opinion, it is unfair to go online and post malicious comments in a blog which is likened to a journal in which baring one's inner thoughts, insecurities, loves and humorous moments is not only expected but warranted.
Laurie, is a very stong person. This is evident due to the fact that she has even decided to share her stories with the world, and I must admit that it is horrifying that I, as her best friend, have to read comments about her that simply are not true and extremely hurtful. Perhaps some of you just forgot she has feelings.
In closing, please stop judging her because no one has that right. She writes because she loves it and it is an amazing talent she owns. It is fine to comment but it is unnecessary to distastefully throw rude and mean comments up here with only hurtful purposes.
Laurie, you are the best friend I have..I love you and your writing. Your confidence and passion are qualities to be proud of and don't let anyone think otherwise.
el captian,
i'm lauries younger brother. and what you have said, has really pissed me off, i would post this comment on your blog, but for some reason when i click the link the "page url has been misplaced" so i am forced to throw another comment to this post. you, just like eldon, are and asshole. i don't understand how you can post a comment on my sister's blog telling her "show off your writing elsewhere" well you see, you're an idiot, this is a public blog, which means she can wright what ever the fuck she wants. and if you have such a problem with it, don't read it. and if you continue to read it and still don't like it, and continue to post comments such as you just did, you will have to answer to me. honsetly, you claim that eldon is being jundged to harshly but he was an asshole, the people who judged him are either people who know her or have read her blog from the beginning and like her stile. oh and guess what there asshole, they're entitled to their oppinnions too. and about your comment saying that the people defending laurie are homophobes, well, they suggested that eldon may be gay, and that if he is, he's insecure about it. that dosen't make someone homophobic. did those comments bother you for some particular reason? is it that you infact are gay but are affraid to tell your "perfect" wife? wow, i'm more pissed at you than i was at eldon. maybe that's because you decided to insult not only my sister, but her friends. i admire your balls to come to someone elses blog page and say something like that about them and their friends. oh wait, this is totally anonymous, you don't have to look her in the eye and tell her that. not that you would anyway, you would probly be looking at her chest. i don't know why i think that, but it just seems that way.
i also think that you should not comment on my sister being shallow, because i believe that most women want the same thing, but many of them just settle for something less than what they want. perhaps this is what your wife did, and maybe you noticed that she dosen't feel for you like she used to.
how dare you, i just keep finding insults, i know i'm berating you, but you come to my sisters page, read her posts and insult her and her friends. i really don't like you. usually i abide by the part of my schools mission statment that says "to tollerate all oppinions where reason is left free to combat them" and well, i feel that i have enough reason to combat your oppinion so, i won't tollerate it. have a nice day asshole. (p.s. i'm not usually the person who will leave a comment like this, but i have no respect for you because of the way you attack my sister and her audiance)
for laurie,
don't worry about the shady guy who left you that comment, he doesn't know you and he reduced his credibility to zero when he started insulting everyone who reads your posts.
oh, by the way, i went to canada last night, it was awesome. well, i love ya, and i'll see you on wenseday.
scorpion
Pollo---as in chickenhead? Gay or not, head is head. I live in Fremont, a suburb of Oakland. When should I expect you?
Scorpion? I thought my name was bad. I think you should worry more about passing English at school than defending your sister. Maybe then you could avoid butchering your school motto (2 Ts in case you weren't sure).
Thanks El Capitan, Jeff in Minnesota, and Brian.
Hey, anyone notice how Laurie hasn't really defended herself in this matter? Guess it's tough to argue against the truth.
Eldon
I don’t understand why someone who doesn’t even know Laurie or the people she associates with would come on line and throw around an overwhelming amount of unwarranted insults and assertions.
Seriously, this is getting more than ridiculous now. Simply put, Laurie does not deserve to be attacked this way. It is clearly unfair because the words she has written here are stories she graciously decided to share for those who love and care about her to enjoy. She did not post them to be scrutinized and dragged through the mud. If you don’t like the blog, don’t read it. If you don’t have a tasteful comment, don’t leave it.
I am not commenting here to instigate more fighting. At this point I feel enough has been said. I am simply urging the name calling, judging and harsh commenting to stop.
Laurie is my best friend. Regardless of the many assumptions many of you have made she is a sensitive and caring woman. She would do anything for the ones she loves and clearly they would do the same for her. Did any of you who wrote rude things about her really expect her family and friends not to defend her? Wouldn’t you all do the same for your family and friends? Some of the comments posted here about Laurie are so revolting that it should be obvious that the words would induce angry comments from the people who care about her.
Laurie’s brother is a wonderful guy who loves his family. He would do anything to defend his sister and that should be praised rather than ridiculed. Patty is a very sweet girl who loves Laurie. She is doing her best to defend her friend and does not deserve the horrible things that are being posted about her here.
I refuse to fuel the fire anymore. I could say a great deal of nasty things about the individuals who have spent to much time posting cruel comments about someone I care about but I realize that will only lead to further obnoxious and immature commenting.
Therefore, I will only say this please all of you stop this. It is childish and malicious to continue judging people you do not even know. You have never met Laurie and her friends. You can not grasp what they are truly about merely by reading a blog.
In closing, I know more about Laurie than any of you that have judged her. I know that she can make me laugh so hard my face hurts, even when I am about to cry. I know that she is giving, caring and that she always puts other people’s needs before her own. I know her passions, fears and what she dreams of becoming. I know she is a good writer and that nothing and no one should ever lead her to believe otherwise. I know that one day she will feel fulfillment and elation in all aspects of her life. I know all of this because…I KNOW Laurie. Until any of you can say the same…don’t ever comment on this blog again.
Laurie, I love you.
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