Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Blast from the Past

I pulled an old CD from my organizer before I went into the gym. Sick of the same three CDs on a constant rotation in my Discman, I decided I'd take my chances and grab an unmarked burned CD.

I hopped on the Elliptical machine and began my workout. I hit play and was thrilled when Snoop Dogg and Pharrell started signing "Beautiful." I remembered the CD, and I was glad I had chosen it. I pumped my legs and arms to the various feel-good songs on the CD. "Don't Leave Me this Way" was sandwiched between Ludachris' "Fantasy" and Missy Elliot's "Reverse It." I was sweating and loving it. Then the steady beats of hip hop died down, giving way to the beginning of a song I didn't recognize. It was piano, played slowly and seductively. Hearty.

Then the song slammed into me.

If you cut, I will bleed
Bring me down to my knees
Make me feel that what I am is never good enough.

I remembered the song in its entirety, and exactly why I chose to put it on a CD. My legs suddenly felt weak. The bars of the song, the singer's voice, catapulted me back to years ago, when the song first came out. Suddenly, I regressed to who I was then, over a year ago: Insecure, afraid. Does he love me? Will we ever get married? Maybe I should move out of my parent's house so he can see I can be independent, too. Fresh from a fight and feeling like I'd just been beaten. Doesn't he see that what he says hurts? Will I ever be happy? Will we ever NOT fight about things? What do I have to do to make him want me?

I hated it.

I hated the memory of myself. I hated that I was ever that way. I hated that a song, only a few words into the first verse, could remind me how utterly weak I was.

But I loved it, too. I loved that regardless of the fact that I was in a gym, surrounded by sweaty people and exercise equipment, I could be completely transported by the music oozing out of my headphones. I loved that music has that much power over me. Because just as quickly as I can remember listening to that song feeling feeble and helpless, I can remember finally realizing it was time to let go and get on with my life.

And there's nothing like being reminded of how far you've come.


NJ said...

I agree, music can take you just about anywhere. Great post.

Charlie Mc said...

As a music FANATIC, I can relate. Music can bring you back to different points in your life so much so that you actually feel how you felt at that's strange. I am a runner and the right/wrong music can make or break you out there. I stick to rap/hip hop/dance music mostly when running...always keeps me moving.....

Loved your post!

Anonymous said...

I totally agree with you about the music being able to transport you. I also wanted to say how much I truly enjoy your blog.

I know that I don't know you at all but from what I have read in your blog I'm confused about what you're doing working in a bank and why you haven't gone and are not getting your butt to University. From what I've read I would say that you're a very intelligent, sensitive and creative person who could be doing anything she desires. I don't get it, maybe a fulfilling career isn't something that you really care about and if that's so then that's totally cool because there are many other ways to express the intelligent, creative person you are such as in your fantatic blog. I'm not trying to make any judgements on your life it's just that sometimes people need to be told just how great they are in order to be the person they are destined to be :). Anyways, I hope that I haven't offended you.


Shawn said...

Alayne's got a point... but he left out that you're also talented and beautiful... Smiles...

Kiki said...

Laurie, I love reading your posts because I feel like everyday you write something that I totally identify with. You write here what I'm afraid to write in my blog. I admire that:)

Bry said...

Wow...perfect. Songs do that to me too. I've also had the same experience with certain scents. A man wearing the same cologne as a past fling will usually stop me dead in my tracks...for a split second I'll be transported back into his arms...and just as fast I'll be back in the real world.

Laurie said...

Alayne, you have not offended me at all. In fact, yours and the rest of the comments here have made my day. (To answer your query about going to a University...It's something I've been kicking around of late...But I'll be dedicating an entire post to that later.)

I'm all smiles, and you're all to blame. :)