Tuesday, January 02, 2007

New Year

So I guess this is the post where I'm supposed to talk about all of the resolutions I'll be making for the year 2007. I'm supposed to say that I'm going to be a better friend and eat less and work out more and keep my priorities in check; Love more, worry less, be more willing to take chances, be less uptight; be more accepting of change, stop clinging to my routines. I'd love to write all of those things, but I'd love even more to write them and actually have an intention of following through. Sadly, I know I won't.

I never stick to my resolutions. Never. In fact, I don't even make them anymore. Because, by January 3rd, I can hardly even remember what I'd resolved. So I give up. No resolutions for me.

And, anyway, I don't feel like this year is a fresh start. It seems that, the older I get, one year just bleeds into the next without me noticing. I don't feel brand new, I don't feel on the verge of change. I feel like me, except that now I have to pay special attention when I write out checks to ensure I don't accidentally write "06." That's the only real change I feel.

Maybe I'm just not in the right frame of mind: Maybe I'm just too comfortable in the way things are right now. It's just the general feeling of quaint similarity that clings to me that keeps me from shouting about change. I've been desperate to escape '06 since June, when each visit I made to the doctors office just brought more bad news. And I was even more desperate to escape it when our house was robbed, when my cat died. But I pushed through December with some good stories, and a handful of heavy experience. I felt the love of the friends who were there for me when I needed them, felt the absence of the others. I found a new appreciation for my family, and for my boyfriend.

Last year was a thick mix of good and bad.

Standing on this cliff that is January, I don't see a whole lot of change or possibility ahead of me. While I see more doctor's appointments, I also see the same few friends I've always had, the same incredible family, the same amazing boyfriend. I see that I'll still care too much what people think about me, I'll want too desperately to be liked. I see that I'll continue to be burned by certain people, and continue to be soothed by others. I see that I'll never learn, that I'll be too trusting even when I know I shouldn't be. I see myself stressing out over nothing; I see myself freaking out over the smallest things. I see all of it because that's just who I am. And making some proclamation at 12:01 on January first will never change that. I'll always care. I'll always worry. I'll always want to make other people happy, comfortable. I'll always bend over backwards to do that, and I'll always wind up only turning myself into someone's whipping girl to ensure their comfort. But, too, I'll always have that family, that boyfriend, those friends. And they love me because of - or in spite of - my idiosyncrasies, my neuroses. Because I do have a good heart and always the best of intentions. Because I'm not malicious or hurtful. Because I'm genuine and overly sensitive and overly analytical. Because that's who I am. And I don't need to resolve anything to make me more me.

The better me is in the works every day, every year. I don't need January 1st to make me look at myself with a critical eye.

This year, I traded wishes for a happy new year with my mom via cell phone, and missed my family when the clock struck midnight. But I slid from 2006 into 2007 with the man I love, and with some really incredible people. I was happy as I left the party in the wee hours of the new year. Happy with my life, the people I love, me. And that's really all that matters, isn't it?

Happy New Year. May this one be as interesting as the last.


Kat said...

I gave up making resolutions as well. It never lasts, so why put myself through the failure? ;-)

You know what I look fwd to in the new year? FOOTBALL PLAYOFFS? I'm such a sucker for sports I wanna slap myself!


Liz said...

I like your approach to this. The fact that " a better you" is something you work on everyday.

Happy 2007!

Anonymous said...

See, and I see myself continuing to read your blog because I like the way you think, write and work to live your life. Thanks.