Monday, June 19, 2006

You Asked for It: A Play in Two Acts

Thank you all for not making me feel like a loser with my last post. In truth, a very large part of me feared that I'd keep refreshing the page for days, only to find that big fat 0 Comments staring back at me. And, being that there are actual questions there, I must say they are some good ones! And I'm so long winded, that I have no choice but to split this up into two posts.

So, let's get to it.

You Asked For It: Part One

Liz asks: "What is your favorite line of make-up?"

You have no idea the can of worms you've just opened, Liz. Let's see....For moisturizers, it's Biore and Estee Lauder (Biore makes an awesome oil-free moisturizer, Estee Lauder makes an incredible tinted, sunblock-infused moisturizer). For foundation, I'm all about Estee Lauder. I have been for years. Because my skin is very sensitive, and the lotion/foundation is the thing closest to and on all of my skin, I stick with the tried and true. For mascara, there is nothing better than Maybelline's Full & Soft in Very Black. I don't use waterproof because I don't like to invest the time to take eyemakeup off separately, but it stays on, doesn't flake, and makes your lashes look INCREDIBLE. For eyeliner/lipliner, I'm all about L'Oreal. Le Grand Khol for eyes, and Crayon Petite for lips. I go through phases with lipsticks and gloss, so it wouldn't be fair for me to claim a favorite. As far as eyeshadow and blush go, I usually use whatever comes in my free gift from Estee Lauder (because I ONLY purchase it when there's a free gift up for grabs), or any of the drugstore finds: Cover Girl, Wet N Wild, Maybelline, generic stuff. Whatever. So, now that I totally beat that subject to death...Moving on!

Michele asks: "Do you really read all the blogs you have links to each and every day, if so why don't you comment more often?"

I don't really read all of the ones that are linked, because some of them are no longer operative, and I'm too lazy to take them down and rearrange (in fact, there are two bloggers whose addresses have changed that I've yet to go update!). But, no, I don't make it to every blog every day. There's no particular rhyme or reason to why one does and one does not get visited, except for the fact that I'm supposed to actually be WORKING at work. But if I don't get to one one day, I'll make sure I hit it the next day. As far as the commenting goes, sometimes I feel weird. Okay, bear with me on this: I'm a girl. I overthink everything. So, when I get a comment from someone new, the first thing I do is go check out that person's page. And I want to comment, but I don't want to comment just for the sake of commenting. When I first started this, I'd see comments all over the place on other people's blogs that said nothing about the post it followed, just "Hey! Thanks for stopping by my blog!" And I thought that was ridiculous. So, I want to make sure that, when I comment, I actually have something to contribute. Something of substance. I don't want you to think "She's just commenting here because I commented on her blog." So unless I can actually say something of worth, I keep quiet. Additionally, I hardly ever respond to comments on MY blog, which should be some indicator of how lazy I am when it comes to commenting. Maybe I'm just a voyeur at heart, willing to read about someone, but unwilling to contribute my own two cents. But really, those are just excuses. Mostly, I'm just lazy. And it's hard to comment at work when I'm liable to be caught at any second. Now that I have a computer at home again, the comments should start becoming more frequent.

Michele also asks: "Oh, and when are we going to get to see some photos from your wonderful trip!?"

Soon. Very soon. Like I said, I have a computer at home now, so it should be any day now. (I know, promises, promises.)

Anno asks: "What will you have to do to consider yourself a successful writer? What are you willing to do to become one?"

To consider myself a successful writer, I think I'll have to be a published author. Either regularly contributing to a magazine, or with a book of my own. As far as what I'm willing to do...I'll be honest, I'm a pussy. I'm terrified of doing anything to pursue it. I'm afraid of the rejection, I'm afraid of failure...It's sort of a weird feeling for me. To try and become what I've wanted to be for so long. But, pretty soon now, I'm going to bite the bullet, submit what I can and see where it goes from there. I'll suck up the fear and the dread and just do it already, because I just know it's not going to happen any other way. And I just know that writing is something I'm meant to be doing.

Was that even an answer? I don't know. Moving on!

Casey asks: "You said you didn't go to college because you really wanted to be a wife and mother. Is that still true?"

It's hard to say. I can't see myself being happy just being a girlfriend for the rest of my life, so I know I'll want to be married someday. But the older I get, the less it's a pressing issue. I said, six years ago, that I'd never live with a boy unless we're married. Three years ago, I said I wouldn't live with a boy unless we were engaged. Now, I'm living with a boy with no engagement and no marriage. Things change, I guess. And, additionally, relationships never seemed to work out for me when I was staunchly against being unmarried and living together; When I was fighting daily to get what thought I wanted. I'm trying something new - the girlfriend who isn't talking, day in and day out, about tying the knot. I'm not pressing any issues like I did before, trying not to force anyone (ahem...Billy) into anything. Now, the kids thing....

Leandra asks: "Do you think you still want children or do you think you SHOULD want children?"

I don't know if I want kids anymore. Like I said before, the older I get, the more things change. I really can't stand to be around kids anymore. I don't feel that maternal instinct, I don't long for pregnancy, I'm put off by the time and effort and selflessness that goes along with having kids. I'm selfish, and I just don't know if I can ever put ME aside for a baby. My mom, who desperately wants to be a grandmother, keeps telling me that that will change, that having kids of my own is different from dealing with someone else's kids. I'm kind of afraid to take that chance, you know, that I'll still dislike kids, even if they are my own. But I just don't know. I don't want to say NO, I don't want them, but I can't say yes. At this point in my life, absolutely not. Five years down the road, maybe. I'm afraid of what it will do to my body, my life, my freedom...But on the other hand, I think it's a beautiful and amazing thing to be a parent, to give life to someone with my features and my blood. I just really don't know.

Leandra goes on, "What was the most romantic part of your trip? Do you think you are beautiful? (I think you are!) Do you think one day you'd go back to Kentucky?"

The most romantic part of my trip? Wow, it's hard to say. Really, the whole thing was incredible. The first night we got into town, we had dinner at this cute little restaurant right on the ocean called De Tach. We had the local drink, toasted one another, ate our seafood, held hands across the table for the first time in a foreign country. After dinner, Billy suggested we take a little walk. The beach was empty, the moon was huge, and the waves were lapping the shore. We took off our shoes and walked to a pair of chairs sitting beneath an imposing palm tree. "I believe," Billy said, "that this is an actual moonlit walk on the beach. This is officially a romantic moment." And he looked over at me and smiled, illuminated by the bright moon, and he pulled me in and kissed me. He was so cute. And he sent me to the waterline to test the temperature of the ocean, and when I came back, he kissed me soft and sweet...It was so textbook romantic that I couldn't believe it. Just thinking of it makes me all mushy inside. And then, a few days later, we sat on our porch, in the hammock together, reading our respective books and sipping cocktails...We just held hands and read. No talking, just being together. It was one of those moments where you realize you don't need to fill up silences anymore, that just being near one another is enough.

And, first off, thank you for saying I'm beautiful! But do I think I'm beautiful? Yeah, I guess I do. Of course I take issue with my body sometimes, and there are times when my makeup doesn't go on well, and I feel bloated and icky. But I've finally started to appreciate myself as a whole, not just the size of my ass or the clarity of my skin. I know I'm smart, and I know I'm kind, and I know that I have good heart. And I think that makes any person more beautiful than the sum of their features. Aesthetically speaking, there are days when I'm just on, you know? The kind of day where everything falls into place and you just feel hot. I have those. I also have the bad days, where I feel anything but attractive. I'll admit to my insecurities, but, generally, I love who I am. I'm happy with my looks. I'm happy with who I am as a person. I think I'm a beautiful person, inside and out.

Will I ever go back to Kentucky? Yes. Absolutely. Maybe not to live (although you never know...Louisville is an awesome city), but certainly to visit.

Melish asks: "Have you and Billy talked at all about marriage??? And if so, please elaborate. Oh, and I'm still anxious to hear about your trip to Belize!"

Hmmm. Interesting question. And one that I sort of dreaded when I opened myself up to this. But here goes! No. We haven't. Not even in vague terms. There are a number of reasons that I haven't brought it up. One, because in my last relationship, I pressured my boyfriend about marriage from the get-go. I started talking about marriage within the first month. Obviously, that didn't work out so well. No one wants to be forced into anything. And it only served to make me miserable. So there's that. And then there's this (which I'm not particularly proud of, but oh well...): Billy is 34 years old. He's never been close to marriage. From what I've gathered so far, he's not so keen on the idea of matrimony to begin with. So, honestly, I don't want to know. Because if I bring it up, and he says he never wants to be married, I have to make a choice to either stay with him because I love him so much, even knowing that marriage is out of the question, OR leave, regardless of how much I love him, because marriage is important to me, and if I stay, knowing we'll never marry, I'll only be miserable in the long run. So, for now, I'm making like an ostrich and sticking my head in the sand, enjoying this for what it is, and tackling marriage when we're a little further down the road. I know it's important to know, and I know it will come up - it always does - and I'll deal with that then. But we've only been dating for ten months. I'm not going to worry about it right now. Could I see myself marrying him? Yes, I believe I could.

The Belize story is in the works. Soon. SOON. I promise!

TKBS is doing just fine, although we do miss you!

Tiffany asks: "Were there other contributing factors in your break up with your ex or was it just that he didn't ever want to be married and you do?"

Yes, there were other contributing factors, although the marriage issue was the biggest one. We differed in a variety of ways that were, ultimately, insurmountable. He didn't want to spend enough time with me (I thought), he didn't sacrifice anything for me, he wasn't willing to do things for me that he didn't want to do in the first place, I didn't feel complimented, appreciated enough, I didn't feel like he thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world in his eyes, I felt like he was always looking for something more. He wanted to spend his life moving around, I was happy here in Milford (I still am). He never wanted to stay in one place, and I saw my life with a home in ONE town, close to my family. There were those differences, and then there was me. I'm purely reactionary, and when I felt I was being short-changed in any arena, I reacted by doing short-changing him, too. So I started denying him. And I tried to make him jealous. And I wouldn't help him out. The list could go on. But we loved each other, and we were, at a time, best friends. Aside from the major issues I just detailed, we actually did have a quite good relationship. Despite the fact that I always felt like I could never be enough, I knew he loved me. He just didn't love me the way I wanted him to. And I couldn't love him the way he wanted, either. We couldn't love each other properly, we were stifling one another, instead of making each other better people generally speaking. So we ended it.

Steve the Pirate asks: "What would our dream date consist of? Also, why is it that you think I'm so awesome?"

I think our dream date would be to Jack in the Box (for you) and then to Dairy Queen (for me). And then, maybe, we could go to a park, where we'd walk around and you'd tell me how utterly fabulous I am.

I think you're so awesome because you think I'm so awesome. (I'm purely reactionary, remember? See above.)

This concludes part one. Part two to follow!


Anonymous said...

How many MORE wasted years with someone who doesn't want to be married????? I don't mean to be negative, but doesn't staying with someone LONGER, makes it that much harder later? Just wondering what that would accomplish????? Besides break your heart, that is? Sorry, I am just being your Mom, and looking out for YOUR interests.....

Anonymous said...

Ouch..but Mom is right!

Casey said...

I love estee lauder. And I'm right there with you on the kids thing. Every once in awhile, I see babies or toddler girls and think... I want one!

But then I see a child throw a tantrum or witness a disgustingly runny nose, and think: no, thanks.

As for the marriage thing, give yourself a little while longer before it becomes an issue. Make sure he's really the right guy for you before you bring it up. Till death do you part is a looong effin' time.

Take it from someone who knows: just b/c you're wearing a ring, that doesn't make things any more secure.

Laurie said...

Casey, that's exactly what I meant about the marriage thing. Thank you for explaining it better than I could. I jumped the gun once, then I pressured a second guy to jump the gun, too. Why would I make the same mistake a third time? Before, I wanted to get married just get married. Now, I want to make sure it's right.

anno said...

I'm not sure that any relationship is wasted time, even if it ends. Still, having gone through both a divorce and a breakup with someone I'd lived with for 4 years, I'd have to say that both were difficult. The fact that I didn't have to stand in front of a judge to dissolve my live-in relationship didn't make it any easier.

Also, looking back on it, it irks me that I paid rent for four years on a house that my boyfriend owned, helped out with his business (freelance photographer), hosted parties for his clients, etc., but when I moved out, all I took with me were the things I had obviously purchased myself: it was pretty clear that I had not built up anything with him. Had we been married, there would have been more significant discussion about the division of assets. At 25, that was no great loss to me. If I'd waited a few more years to leave, I think it would have mattered more to me. Also, after you've moved in with someone, it's hard to move out, easy to spend years with someone you might not care about, harder to meet someone you might find true love with. So there you have it, another person being Mom to you!

On kids, well, I could write forever. They are definitely not easy, they change everything (mostly you), and they're utterly exhausting, but I can't imagine my life without my daughter, except for those days when I'm ready to ship her off to boarding school until she learns to pick up her room.