I've realized that I don't know what to write about when I don't feel sad. I don't know how to effectively communicate happiness, frustration or anger. Only sorrow and bittersweet memories. I'm beginning to think that I enjoy misery, that I'm fluent in grief.
So tonight, I sit at my computer, a dozen empty, sub-par drafts before me, reaching for words that describe mediocre events of my day just to avoid whining.
But please pardon me. I have no choice but to whine.
My house has been sold. This beautiful, wonderful building that I've called home for only five short months will soon belong to someone else. And I'm heartbroken. This place is more than just thousands of square feet of beauty flanked by spacious land and a pristine pool. It's home. Really, truly, home. I come here after a long day at work and feel comfortable, peaceful. Home. And, soon, it will be gone. Of course, it never belonged to me to begin with...But I felt it was mine. Although I may still have a place to live - a different house, but a house that does not belong to my parents - I'm already anticipating the tears that will fall when I leave here.
My bank has informed me that I will now be responsible for a chunk of my up-until-now-free-to-me health insurance. The portion I will have to pay is hefty enough so that survival on my own will be impossible. Which means that I have to either suffer through it...Or get a new job. And, clearly, to get a new job is the more practical choice. But it's at times like these that I'm confronted with my fear of change. I can concoct a million excuses to stay at a job that offers me little challenge and even less money: It's close to home, I love my boss, I love my customers, it's convenient, I know my job. But none of those excuses are going to pay my bills or feed me when I'm hungry.
I have been offered an amazing opportunity to leave Milford in exchange for Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. But I've chosen to pass it up. I love Milford; I love being close to my family, to the few very close friends that I have made while living here. And I don't like Florida. But that doesn't change the fact that I don't make enough money here to survive. Nor does it change the fact that Milford doesn't offer me the opportunity to meet many new people; especially that man I've been longing to meet. So even though I may not move out of this town, I must look for a job elsewhere and commute.
I feel burdened, but rootless. Stuck, but lost.
I know what I have to do: I have take a deep breath, muster my courage and step out of my comfort zone.
But I'm terrified.
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17 comments:
I understand that feeling of terror - who doesn't? But you're a strong woman and I know you'll do just fine.
The times in my life when I was the happiest were the times I took a chance and made a change.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
You're stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you'll be able to overcome this. You're not a quitter - that much is evident through your writing.
And if you ever need to talk, you know where to find me.
I'm really sorry about the house, it sounds nice. I moved from Philly to Portland, OR (totally different lifestyle) in 9/01 and it's the best thing I've ever done. I just picked up and moved, all on my own. I had a couple friends here, which made it better, but I'd still suggest doing it. Even if only for a year. If you don't like Florida, or anywhere else you go, you can always come back, right? I don't know anything about the town you live in, but I imagine there aren't a whole lot of opportunities there for advancement. Obviously it's your decision. But, don't be afraid of change, sometimes it can be a wonderful thing! :)
Good luck with whatever you decide.
At times life nudges us in the best directions. Your rental residence, your employer...all seem to be nudging you: making it easy for you to leave and maybe 'take a chance' on a different part of the country. What if Mr wonderful-blissful is right around the corner in Florida?
Hey Laurie, I once heard a very wise woman speak these words of wisdom that might help you out:
Everyday is a winding road, you get a little bit closer. Everyday is a faded sign, you get a little bit closer to feeling fine.
I think what she's trying to say here is that you should just lay back and enjoy the show, because afterall, these are the days when anything goes.
Sorry. I didn't mean to come in here and stupid up your comments, but I just can't help myself sometimes. ;)
i advise .. take up fishing.
Fishing and filming your fishing.
And then getting married and then having kids and then going back to fishing.
Urgh! I hate it when companies roll back benefits. I use to get $500/yr of massages and they decided to go with someone else who didn't offer that. :(
Best of luck whatever you decide to do.
tHIS IS such a year of transition for sooo many people.
Just went thru it. Still am. I don't think I'll feel back to normal for awhile.
Take care.
My thoughts are with you/.
You're beautiful, intelligent, and good-hearted [and that's not a come-on]. I can't imagine you not landing on your feet.
Didn't you once say that you wished you could make your living as a writer? I'm sure everyone who reads you web-log would agree that you have the ability to do just that. What is it they say about a journey of a thousand miles? Maybe it's time to put pen to paper and see what develops.
I understand. i wrote about 44 songs over the years and I was only inspired to write when I wa ssad, depressed, angry, bitter, or jealous. I never wrot e anything happy, happiness never has inspired me until this blogging where I am humorous 90% of the time...
Don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone. At your age, you should be doing it more often. That has been part of my problem for years. Not stepping out of mine has kept me from living at the level I deserve. Don't let it happen to you.
Nice blog!
Thanks so much for all the kind words and support. My decision is far from being made, but it's lovely to know that I have people rooting for me.
I appreciate it so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm truly touched.
Milwaukee. It's so easy to fall in love with Milwaukee. Your parents would move here, too. Trust me.
This is the first post of yours I have read and I must say I feel your pain. I am in a similar situation right now. I adore my job and it's what I've always wanted to do- it's actually a career. But I'm 26 and live pay check to pay check, not fun. My game plan is to keep my current job and either wait tables or bar tend a few nights a week - you make some extra cash and meet new people. Just an idea.
I've learned to embrace change when it's sort of thrust upon me, exactly like what's happening to you. If you don't like Florida, maybe something else dynamic -- NYC, LA, somewhere else? In the long run you'll be glad when you take a leap. I've found the best things happened to me when I took the biggest risks. Not always right away, but within a short time. Jump! :-)
I just wanted to let you know that I am so sorry that the house sold. I didn't really get a chance to talk to you when you called the other day but I want you to know I love you and my thoughts are with you.
Also,I want you to know that I truly believe in you and I know that you will find the strength to face any obstacles that lie ahead.
....I am ALWAYS here for you!!! Love and Miss You!!!! Melanie
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