Allow Me to Introduce Myself

1. I love lima beans.
2. I started kindergarten a year early, via a test to see if I could handle it. The one question I got wrong? “What’s your mom’s name?” My answer? “Mom.”
3. I was teased from kindergarten through second grade because I cried. A lot.
4. I was the only kid in my third grade class to not get a part in the school play.
5. My first love was Gentry Pelham in kindergarten. We played He-Man and She-Ra in his house together. He was dreamy.
6. My second love was Brad Tomberlin in fourth grade. He found my lost cat and rode his bike from his house to mine with my cat in his shirt.
7. I love speaking in front of large crowds.
8. My father was in the Army for 20 years.
9. My mother moved to this country when she was 13.
10. I am pro-choice.
11. I ditched school for at least two weeks in a row every year in high school.
12. When I ditched for well over two weeks during my senior year, the only teacher who bothered to call my house was Mr. Ginger. He kept me after class on the first day I begrudgingly returned to school and he said “Why do you do this Laurie? I just don’t understand. You’re so smart. Why are you making these bad decisions?” His disappointment was worse than any amount of punishment he could’ve assigned.
13. I was in Speech & Debate for three years in high school. I loved it.
14. The movie “The Sixth Sense” fucked me up. I was terrified to be alone for months afterward because I was suddenly afraid of dead people.
15. Given the choice between a good book and a good movie, I’ll always choose the book.
16. I have an obsessive personality, and I can’t let things go.
17. I was engaged at 19. One month before we were supposed to get married, we called it off.
18. My father is the greatest man I have ever known.
19. Many of my closest friends are gay.
20. When I was in high school, I was a model. I was on the Lenz Agency’s “Hot Wall” and was a favorite at bridal shows.
21. At a calling for a fashion show for Saks, I was told by the director that I should lose a few pounds. “Now,” he said, “We love your look, but you’re a bit too big in the hips for us. But I don’t want you to take that to the max and hurt yourself trying to lose weight.” “Oh don’t worry about that,” I told him. “I’m not even going to lose weight. But thanks for your time.”
22. I was a Mormon for three years. I was horrible at it – I drank and smoked and constantly argued with the Elders. I was baptized because I had a crush on a boy and knew he wouldn’t marry me if I wasn’t Mormon. I was 16.
23. My mom amazes me consistently with her selflessness and strength. I hope I can be a mom and wife like her when I grow up.
24. I never went away to college. Not because I was afraid I’d fail, but because I really wanted to be a housewife and a mother, not a career woman.
25. The only reason I took any college courses at all is because I really like to learn.
26. Because my mom was born in Serbia and my dad was born in Anna, IL and they met and have been happily married for over 30 years, I believe in true love and soul mates.
27. I love Mariah Carey, Christina Aguilera and Kelly Clarkson, regardless of the fact that I am teased mercilessly for it.
28. I went to the National Speech and Debate tournament in 1998 for Dramatic Interpretation. I preformed an excerpt from Sophie’s Choice.
29. I witnessed my godson’s birth.
30. I really want to be a wife and mother.
31. My last boyfriend was twelve years older than I am.
32. I don’t know (or get along with) many people my own age.
33. I consider myself a nerd.
34. My memory is exquisite. I remember more than I should.
35. I cannot stand it when people talk during TV shows or movies.
36. I am not an affectionate person – I don’t like to be hugged or kissed or held unless I started it. I do love to hold hands, though.
37. I love romantic men.
38. Even though I work in a bank and am familiar with all of the new and improved electronic ways to pay bills, I still write out and mail a check for each of my bills every month.
39. I save all of my receipts.
40. I loathe Sundae People.
41. I’m terrified of going crazy.
42. Despite the fact that I have a blog and will tell almost anyone embarrassing stories about myself, I can be an extremely private person when it comes to how I feel.
43. If I’m lost, I will not stop and ask for directions.
44. Normally cool and collected, I turn into a mutant when I like a boy: I obsess over who wrote last, whether or not I should call and “what do you think [insert action or word here] meant?”
45. I love to have flowers delivered to me at work.
46. Although I am extremely social, I love to spend time alone: I love to eat alone, shop alone, and watch TV alone.
47. Music is one of the most important parts of my life.
48. I drive stick shift.
49. I drink five liters of water a day.
50. If someone has shaken a bottle of water, I will not drink from it. I don’t know why.
51. I set all of my clocks ahead by at least fifteen minutes because I try to trick myself into being early.
52. I am still usually late.
53. I still talk to three people from high school.
54. I know what many of the Army acronyms mean (AAR, HUA, OIC, TDY, NCOIC, etc.)
55. Smart men turn me on.
56. A man in a military uniform also turns me on.
57. Even though it takes its toll on my wallet, I secretly enjoy writing out a check for my car payment because it makes me feel like an adult.
58. When I’m home alone, I crank up the stereo and sing like I have an audience.
59. I hate winter.
60. I love wine, vodka and Dr. Pepper (just not all at once…).
61. I’ve always wanted an accent; I don’t have one, but I can fake a killer British accent.
62. I have never smoked pot.
63. I have a problem setting priorities. I will make time for people I just like because I know that the people I love will love me no matter what.
64. I lack both motivation and self-control.
65. My favorite feeling in the whole world is when I laugh so hard that my stomach hurts and my eyes tear up.
66. I have an unreasonable obsession with shoes.
67. I balance my checkbook weekly. If I am off by a penny, I will not rest until I find the mistake.
68. Last year, I cut off a foot of my hair to donate to Locks of Love.
69. I love going to the gym. The more I sweat, the happier I am.
70. English has always been my best subject.
71. I’ve been “let go” three times in my life: From Footlocker, Leeds Footwear, and Foot Action. And even though I was in high school and hated the jobs anyway, I was crushed.
72. I hate people who come into the bank and treat me better than they treat the tellers just because I have a desk.
73. Even though I want to have kids of my own someday, other people’s kids scare and annoy me.
74. Usually, I don’t like other people’s dogs either.
75. Because I am one, I hate the term “secretary.”
76. I love MTV’s Real World and have probably seen every episode. And if they re-run episodes I’ve already seen, I’ll watch them again.
77. I’m a brunette and have never wished that I was blond.
78. The voices of Al Green, Otis Redding and Ray Charles are so beautiful they make me cry.
79. I love red meat. I’m a total carnivore.
80. Vegetables (like celery, carrots and mushrooms) are my favorite snacks.
81. Even though I don’t know how it’s possible, I am both a night owl and a morning person.
82. I’m generally very happy.
83. When I go to a dance club, I prefer to dance by myself.
84. I have been to a Swinger Party. I didn’t love it.
85. I absolutely adore my little brother.
86. I want a Welsh Corgi. And I want to name him Ernie.
87. When I’m upset or sad about something, my greatest therapy is to go on a long drive by myself with a pack of cigarettes and a ton of music.
88. There is not one person in this world who knows everything about me.
89. I wear Chanel Allure perfume in the winter and Gucci Envy in the summer.
90. I hate to take baths (because I hate the idea that I’m sitting in my own dirty water) and I hate sitting in hot tubs (because I feel like I’m being boiled for human stew).
91. The older I get the more I notice, and the more amazed I am, how I resemble my parents: I have my dad’s fingers, my mom’s nose, my dad’s butt and my mom’s smile; My top teeth look exactly like my mom’s, and my bottom teeth look exactly like my dad’s.
92. I cannot stand when people type emails, letters or notes that are completely void of punctuation and capitalization.
93. I feel like an old soul.
94. I haven’t had a suntan since 1998.
95. I have had my gray and white cat since I was in the third grade.
96. I sing all the time. Especially at work. And my coworkers hate it.
97. I want to find a man that loves me as completely as my mom does.
98. I once took a college history course taught by an Army Colonel. He wrote a book and told us to read and do our final report on it. I never read it, but I went through it and picked three random passages to quote in my report. Between the three quotations, I used a ton of B.S. as filler – big words, generalizations, buzz words – and I got an A. On a report I did on a book I didn’t read that the teacher wrote.
99. As much as I detest winter, I love the sound of snow falling.
100. If I could have any job in the world, I would choose to be a writer.